Everything Backwards
by Djinns
Summary: This fanfiction is attempting to fill in the blanks in the romantic subtext between Samantha Carter and Janet Fraiser obviously, this is femslash . Every chapter will be episode-related usually, I will use episodes featuring our lovely doctor , and as close as canon as possible. Well, that's the plan !
1. Possibilities and Challenges

**Possibilities and Challenges**

_Events take place after "The Enemy Within" and during "Emancipation". While "The Enemy Within" relates the fight, and ultimately, death, of Major Kawalsky to a parasite Goa'uld, "Emancipation" brings SG-1 to a misogynistic planet, where women are objects to trade. Captain Carter is kidnapped by a young man who desires to trade her for the love of his life – the daughter of an enemy clan. _

* * *

Major Kawalsky's death was unavoidable. After a thorough investigation of the medical data regarding the Goa'uld parasite and its inextricable link to the human physiology, Doctor Fraiser could not find another outcome for this tragedy. For many, an inevitable death meant fate. She hated that word, _fate_. She preferred to think of it as a mystery, which was not always solvable given the rare clues available at the moment. The unknown often lead to a tragic end, but still, it felt better to see an obscure path than to imagine a destiny on which you had no control. Perhaps she needed that power, she thought as she walked down the corridors of the SGC. Perhaps that was truly why it never worked out with Harry.

"It's not a job for you, honey-buns! I'm only thinking of you in this. Can you say the same?"

Janet Fraiser remembered the words, the tone, the slight smell of alcohol in his breath. No, she could not do the same. She had refrained herself that day, she had refused to tell him that when they married a few years back, she had been thinking only of him. She had listened to him for too long, ignoring her needs, her desires. When the Air Force gave her the best career opportunity she could dream of, she did not even stop to think of asking Harry for his opinion. She signed the contract, packed her things and signed the divorce papers. She just knew, she kept telling herself, that there had to be more. Possibilities and challenges.

Working underground in a secret facility had, of course, never been in her career plans. When General Hammond gave her the Kawalsky assignment, she became – and she was ashamed of this – a bit fearful. For days she stared at the medical data and at the photographs, those dreadful photographs of the parasite, unable to figure out a way to save the next Major Kawalsky. Enemies and threats. Possibilities and challenges.

Aware that she could not remain paralyzed in front of the new parameters of her reality, she became busy with plans and preparations. Her list of suggestions for the amelioration of the base security ended up longer than the conclusions of her report on the soldier's death. General Hammond himself was surprised by the amplitude of her review of the most basic protocols, and she was even more surprised to learn that he had agreed to follow most of them.

Opening the door to her office, Doctor Fraiser looked at the pile of paperwork on her desk. She had recommended the creation of isolation chambers, a new routine for arrivals, a complete and exhaustive medical examination of every soldier allowed inside the SGC; she had ordered new equipment and reassigned tasks to the medical personnel. When she had signed that report, it had felt like closure, when in fact, it had started a tsunami of paperwork that she managed to survive every day. Some days, better than others.

Doctor Fraiser raised her head as she heard the knocks on her door. Her cheerful tone broke with the prisonlike severity of her office's gray walls as she invited the stranger in. A blonde female soldier walked in, confident in her steps, radiant in her blue service dress uniform. Her beauty also clashed with the overall ambiance of the base, where many soldiers still grieved from the SGC's recent losses. Janet immediately recognized the ambition and strength behind the stranger's manners as the blonde airman introduced herself.

"I'm Captain Carter", she spoke, as if Janet had been waiting for her. Receiving no answer, she added that she had been asked to come to the infirmary for a routine exam.

"Of course", Janet replied promptly. Looking down on her desk, the redhead doctor cursed her lack of organization skills. The soldier's medical file rested somewhere between piles of reports, paperwork and books, but the doctor could not find it. Only an hour ago she had seen it in a corner of the table, but it was not there anymore. The doctor damned her habits as she asked the soldier to sit down. She frantically searched the folders on her desk, barely aware that the blonde airman stared at her with a smile. It was only when she recovered the correct file that she truly noticed Captain Carter's amused look.

"I'm usually more organized than this. Sorry", the doctor added, embarrassed.

"No problem, doctor", the soldier politely answered. Her voice had softened and now sounded warm and kind. The doctor sent her an apologetic smile.

"I'm Doctor Janet Fraiser", she added before taking a look inside the captain's file. Noticing that she was a member of SG-1, she understood why the name had been so familiar. She had read her name in many reports while reviewing the data surrounding Major Kawalski's death. The inscription "Cpt. Carter" had became only another parameter in her search; the name of an unknown man she had pictured young but ordinarily looking, a common man. The woman sitting in front of her clashed completely with the picture the doctor had created in her mind: she was stunningly beautiful.

"How do you feel today, Captain?"

As it took comfort in repetitive gestures, the doctor's mind stopped wandering while she devoted herself to her work. Reviewing the soldier's file and adding her own observations, the redhead regained confidence. The attractiveness of her patient disappeared behind the paperwork and the routine questions, allowing Janet to be completely at ease.

The same could not be said about her patient, who grew more stressed every minute. Knowing the extent of the procedure, she dreadfully waited for the examination she hated. Soon, the doctor would as her to undress, and to put on the damned hospital gown. Sam would have to let go of her service dress uniform, of her pride. Of all the medical personnel in the base, the captain thought it was surprisingly cruel to be examined by the redhead doctor. In the last days, Sam had often crossed paths with Fraiser in the SGC's corridors. She had stared at her from a distance, in the mess hall, never having the guts to introduce herself. She had thought that she was only staring because female personnel were so rare here, but now that she was close to the doctor, she knew what was behind those attentions. She was definitely attracted to her.

Sitting on the doctor's table, Samantha tried to suppress her infatuation with the doctor. Certainly, the woman was straight, and already married. She probably had children at home, waiting for her to come back every night. And maybe she even snored. The soldier's train of thought stopped rapidly as the redhead slipped her right hand under her blouse. Feeling simultaneously the coldness of the stethoscope and the warmth of the doctor's hand, Sam remembered why she was nervous in the first place: she simply hated all medical procedures. Ever since her mother –

"Are you alright, Captain?", Fraiser asked with a smile, stopping the soldier's train of thought immediately. Samantha answered with a whispered "yes", a bit ashamed that her heartbeat was betraying her.

As the doctor's pen ran its course on the soldier's file, Samantha continued to imagine the personal life the redhead probably had. She pictured her kitchen would smell like freshly-brewed coffee, or maybe it was something a bit more spicy, like cinnamon. The sunshine peaking through the curtains, the warmth she left behind in the bed. A paradise that did not exist. Sam forced herself to end her daydreaming and focus on calming her pulse.

A small knock on the door caught the doctor's attention.

"Doctor Fraiser, we need your help."

The redhead sighed as she asked if her personnel could wait until the end of her examination. As the nurse shyly replied that they could not, the doctor closed Carter's file.

"I'm sorry Captain, we will have to finish this another time."

* * *

"I'm sorry Captain, but it will be for another time."

When her superior had told her she wouldn't be in the first team to travel through the Stargate, Samantha Carter almost quit. Knowing that those soldiers, as great as they were, had not work on this project as much as she had, she felt that they did not deserve that privilege; she did. The constant efforts, the sleepless nights, the blinding headaches, the lack of social life: she had endured everything to make this come true. Because she was a woman, she was denied that chance, that once in a lifetime chance. It was not frustration, it was not anger; it was rage she felt that day.

Quite the same feeling that was running through her veins now, as Turghan's servant cleaned up her wounds in silence. Of course, she had been hurt before, because above all, she was a soldier. Pain and danger were always part of the deal, she knew that. She almost never wasted her energy being frustrated by an injury, but this time was different. This time, she had been hurt for only one reason: because she was a woman. Her teammates had thought that it was normal to leave her behind, alone in that yurt, because it was this planet's customs to keep women apart. The captain knew that if they had been asked to do the same thing to a male soldier, the team would have refused. The soldiers would've considered a priority to stay together, or at least in pairs, just to be safe.

Because she was a woman, here, she could not be safe.

Samantha Carter was able to defend herself; she kept repeating in her head. She had never been raped, and it would not happen; she would die fighting back. For now, as she looked around her for potential weapons, she understood that she could rely only on herself, and that she had to escape again. This time, she would not fail.

She still felt Turghan's dirty hands on her. After he had whipped her thirty times, he had squeezed one of her breasts in his hand, while pulling her close to him. He smelled horribly bad as his dark voice declared "this is mine now; you are mine", as if she was an object to possess, not even a slave to conquer. Carter did not honor him with a reply, just like she had kept silence during the beating, never letting out a cry. She would not give him the satisfaction he wanted.

"I am done", the servant whispered, and Samantha could hear her fear and despair in her words. The soldier wondered how many women currently suffered under his reign, and how many had died because of these misogynistic rules. Despite her strength of character, she felt tears coming to her eyes as relief overcame her; she could now put her clothes back on. When the fabric touched her skin, the pain intensified, as if her entire back had been set on fire. Wondering if one of them had reopened, she felt a blood drop running down her skin, even though she knew it was not really there. Her nervous system was a wreck, but she had to focus. She had to find a way to run. She couldn't wait for her teammates to rescue her: she wasn't some damsel in distress. The way they had looked at her earlier, in that dress, had told her all that she needed to know: she was not one of the boys.

As frustrated as she was against her teammates, she also felt like they had no choice. They were improvising all the way. As they explored other planets, there was no protocol, no way of knowing exactly what to do. They had tried to mix in with the cultures you meet. Of course, now, they understood that it implied certain dangers they had not encountered yet, but they had to try.

The same thing applied to her current situation; running away from Turghan could mean death. But she still had to try.


	2. Urges

**Urges**

_Set during and after the events of "The Broca Divide". A planet is inhabited by two races – the Touched and the Untouched. The Touched are individuals driven to a primitive state by an unknown plague. During their visit, Carter gets infected, involuntarily bringing the disease back to Earth. As several soldiers become aggressive and dangerous, Fraiser must find a cure before Stargate Command gets overrun by Homo sapiens._

* * *

Sam could not stop herself. The words had left her, she was only instincts, now. She could see what she had done, attacking her commanding officer in an attempt at seducing him, but she could not tell why. He had never been on her radar. She did not find him attractive. Still, she wanted him. Much like she wanted to leave this room. An urge, she painfully thought.

The walls made her feel angry, and she wanted to hit the door as hard as she can and try to escape when they would come, but she knew it would not work. Last time, the redhead doctor and some nurses, came in, and they injected her with something. Now she had been chained to her bed, and it was a little easier to think. She could understand that something was wrong with her, and that she had to be nice. She had to obey their rules, or she would go to sleep again.

The door opened, and the nurses came back, this time bringing an unconscious man with them, and leaving him on the other bed. Sam could not know why, but she did not like this, not at all. She groaned so that they would know, but they just closed the door on their way out, barely paying attention at her. She sat down and stared at him, the stranger, and he felt familiar. She decided to wait, to see if he would be an ally, or an enemy.

Through the door's window, she knew the redhead doctor could see her, sometimes. She wanted her to know she was being docile, not hurting the new man. Every time the doctor came in, Sam had stopped yelling and had tried to behave, so that the small woman would come back to see her. Now, Sam felt betrayed by her. How could she force her to share her space with this man she did not know? A stranger who had the same clothes as she did, she noticed. Perhaps it was a trick. Or maybe she had to be nice to him, for the doctor. The little one, the one she wanted to protect, but she could not know from what.

The stranger opened his eyes slowly, but he started groaning when he saw Sam. She got up, panicking, trying to find a way to defend herself despite one of her arms being attached to the bunk bed. The stranger stood up too, and she screamed when he punched her face. Sam sent him a strong kick as the door opened, letting the guards through. They tried to restrain the stranger, but he knocked one out. The other one looked outside the room and asked for help, and as he was speaking, Sam saw the stranger steal something shiny from one of his pockets. She screamed louder, and the small doctor arrived.

Sam immediately felt that something was very wrong, but she could not think like she used to. She yelled again, and it sounded like "Janet" but she was not sure what it meant. Then she saw the needle, and she squirmed as it entered her arm with pain. When a flash of light appeared behind the doctor, she grabbed her violently and threw her on the bed. The knife the stranger had intended for the redhead ended its course in Sam's stomach. A pain stronger than what the needle had caused submerged her.

She cried out as the knife left her body, and guards arrived in the room. As they forced the stranger to let go of the blade, Sam collapsed on her bed. The small doctor put her hands on her wound and said something that she could not understand, but it was soothing. When she tried to leave, Sam held on to one of her arms with all her strength until she passed out. She could not tell if it was because of the sight of her blood, the pain, or the syringe.

* * *

Closing the door behind her, Janet listened to the silence of her house. Her living room, filled with boxes, made her feel empty and sad. Opening the kitchen light, she decided to treat herself to a glass of red wine, a long hot bath and a good night of sleep. Hoping the SGC wouldn't call her back for an emergency, she reluctantly verified her cell phone was still on before preparing the glass and the bath.

Her ankles hurt from her rough day at work. This virus had gone completely out of hand, and it was only luck that she had finally found a cure. Allergies. Funny how she never stopped taking the anti-histamine pills even though she did not need them anymore. She did not know if it was just the habit or a compulsion, but she continued the treatment even though her doctor had told her many times that it wasn't necessary. She had taken them since she was a kid, and maybe this event was the reason why, she thought as she let her body slip into the hot water. Anti-histamines were the key to saving the SGC personnel; her job was done. Maybe she could let go of this compulsion. As her skin reddened from the warmth, she sighed and closed her eyes.

The medical crisis had left her tired, and as she drank the red wine, she let her mind review the events of the day. Now that she was slowly relaxing, she could not stop thinking about Captain Carter and her behavior. While she was infected, she had shown a strong and lustful attraction to her commanding officer, which the doctor explained by the need to procreate with a dominant male to ensure the survival of the race. What she could not explain, however, was the soldier's reflex to protect her, and her desperate need to gain her attention during the crisis.

She recalled the blonde woman's scent as she had violently grabbed her, and felt the pain it had left in her neck and shoulders. Of course, the intention had not been to hurt her, but to keep her from being stabbed by another officer. This virus had gotten almost everybody insane and violent, and yet, Captain Carter had developed the instinct to protect her. Her mind could have been stronger than the effects of the virus; after all, Colonel O'Neill had been able to communicate with her at some point.

Still, Janet could not stop thinking about the soldier's actions. Samantha Carter had saved her today, and even when it had been clear that she was infected, and therefore dangerous, Janet had trusted her. Even when she had screamed at her, the doctor had been certain that there was nothing to fear, that the blonde woman would not hurt her.

Closing her eyes, Janet realized her hand had betrayed her thoughts.

As she had tried to think about Captain Carter with a logical mind, analyzing her reactions to the virus, her fingers had found their way to her clitoris. She let out a small moan as she pictured the blonde in her mind. Her gorgeous eyes, her beautiful smile, her strong arms, and her amazing body. Janet felt ashamed at the thought that, as a doctor, she should not engage in such fantasies over her patient. She should not encourage those desires towards a woman who had been and who would be again at her mercy, naked on her office's table. The image only strengthened her lust as she slipped one of her fingers inside her.

Her moans slowly filled the silence of her bathroom as she continued to rub her clit with her second hand, wishing it was Sam's. She imagined the rhythms of their bodies, the pleasure she would cause if she could touch her the way she wanted to. Wondering how the blonde's skin would taste when she would achieve climax, Janet's fingers inside her. Breathing faster, the redhead caressed her breasts with her free hand, picturing the blonde making love to her, how she would moan, how she would beg for orgasm as they penetrated each other at the same rhythms, wanting more and hoping not to stop. As she imagined Sam's tongue on her clit, the redhead climaxed, almost against her will, letting out a small groan.

She rested a few minutes before opening her eyes, knowing that when she did, the fantasy would be completely over. She would still be alone, drinking wine in her house full of boxes that she never got the time to open. Fighting the daily compulsions, the fear of changes, the solitude. She thought that she needed to meet with her therapist again, before recalling that she had moved out of this life she used to have. She had promised she would take an appointment with the psychologist available at the base, but she was afraid that her coworkers would find out about it.

The bathroom light aggressively reminded her that she had to go to sleep.

"I can do just fine by myself", Janet thought as she submerged her head underwater.

* * *

Staring at the multiplying notes laying around her lab, Sam wondered why she felt such a strong need for order. She had tried to fall asleep, only to find herself obsessing about the mess that awaited her in her office. She started filing them away, separating them in a few piles, feeling awkwardly distanced from her work.

Since she had arrived at the SGC, she had lived more adventures than she could have imagined. She had craved those experiences, those opportunities to discover new worlds and to see hers differently. Reality had met her expectations; however, she had never pictured the violence she would be faced with. Her participation in the Desert Storm operation had not prepared her for this.

The truth, she thought, was that nothing could prepare anybody for this. The risk of travelling through the gate was not only a question of physics; it was a series of violent cultural shocks, of constant imbalance and chaos. She loved her job, and felt it was her duty to pursue her work, but she did not know if she could ever get adjusted with the anarchy that came with it.

As she stared at an incomprehensible note she had taken a few weeks ago, she felt as she did when she was infected; unable to grasp the world around her, slowly losing her mind. It came back to her: the shame of her actions, and an unknown feeling in her gut.

Feeling a slight pain on her stomach, she played back in her mind the events of the day, always coming back to the stabbing. Underneath the fear and the adrenaline, she remembered the feeling: the profound need to protect Dr Fraiser. She laughed as she thought that, had she been a caveman, she would have brought her back in her cave, and never let her leave. She did not know why she could not stop smiling.


	3. Work Habits

**Work Habits**

_Set after the events of "The First Commandment". SG-9 leader Jonas Hanson, Carter's ex-fiance, enslaves an alien race by making them believe he is their God. SG-1's mission to retrieve SG-9 further complicates as they try to limit the ramifications of Hanson's actions._

* * *

"You're always working."

The brunette insisted on cleaning up the table, arguing that the doctor needed a break. The noises of the empty plates colliding filled the awkward silence that followed. Janet did not respond, hoping her sister would not pursue the matter, even though she knew Kathy's persistence.

"We hardly ever see you. Right, Matt?"

For years, they had been living in different cities, seeing one another at Christmas and funerals, and nothing more. Even though the distance often saddened Janet, who missed out on her nephew's life, there were simply no interesting job opportunities for her in Colorado Springs, until she was offered to become CMO of the SGC. Janet and Kathy greeted the change with weekly family dinners, which allowed the doctor to see her six-year-old nephew more often. However, the subject of her employment was always problematic in the family: they did not understand why she had joined the Air Force, and she could not comprehend what was wrong with spending sixteen hours a day at the base.

"Janet has a new job here, Kathy. Of course she's giving them her best", Matt answered with a soft smile. Sending his sister-in-law a comprehensive look, he added; "Things'll calm down, I always tell her. But she worries about you."

The redhead doctor smiled as she observed, through the window, her nephew carefully picking up dandelions.

"Well, you shouldn't", Janet replied, her eyes still locked on the little boy playing in her backward. Sometimes, she could understand why someone would stop working to devote themselves entirely to raising a human being as intelligent and as curious of the world as Oliver. Then, she would remind herself about the patients she had saved, the brave airmen that needed her care, and she would know immediately; she could never quit her job. As hard and painful as it could be, its rewards were always greater. The people she met, everyday, the wounds she healed; nothing could entirely replace that.

The backdoor opened, letting the young Oliver through. A trail of dirt followed his footsteps as he reached the kitchen table, a small bouquet of dandelions and grass in his small hands. He didn't say a word as he held them out towards his aunt. When Janet thanked him for the gift, he said that they weren't flowers, per say.

"They're magical plants", he proudly said. "To protect you."

"Protect me from what?", Janet asked, feigning to be scared.

"Everything", the boy replied. "But you don't have to worry, I know how to kill monsters too."

Janet smiled as she agreed to keep an eye on his treasure while he went back to the backward, his fort. Oliver's father followed him outside, leaving the redhead alone with her sister, the dandelions in her hands. Kathy promptly grabbed the flowers and set them aside in a cold glass of water, smiling at her son's game, yet her eyes betrayed the serious worries she kept regarding her sister's work habits.

"Janet, you need a life."

The doctor sighed; all family dinners ended exactly the same. Kathy knew her sister wanted a family, and while she had never disapproved of Janet's past relationships, she could not understand why they never became serious. She blamed it on the divorce from Harry, then on Janet's coming out. Years later, Kathy had found only one explanation for her sister's celibate: she was working herself too hard.

"I know you think I do", the redhead answered, as the brunette sat beside her.

"Tell me, when is the last time you had a date?", Kathy asked with a sigh. Knowing that Janet had tried to avoid the conversation ever since her visit had arrived, the brunette stared at her, refusing to fill the silence.

"Kat, I know you mean well", Janet slowly answered, hoping her sister would understand what it implied: that she had no power on her personal life; that she had to leave it alone.

"I just don't want you to be alone."

"I know."

* * *

Janet closed her eyes, allowing her body some rest. The muffled yet continuous noise of the base comforted her as she focused on her breath, trying to relax. The frustration of being close to a solution, but never being able to achieve it, obsessed her. For hours, she had been staring at her computer, trying to make heads or tails of the relationship between a Goa'uld parasite and its Jaffa host. Somehow, she knew there was a way to free Teal'c of his inherited dependence on the larvae, and she would be the one to find it. _Maybe not now_, she thought, sighing loudly.

She opened her eyes when she smelled a new odor in the room. Raising her head, she smiled at the sight of Captain Carter handing her a cup of coffee.

"Thank you Captain", she said with a tired voice.

"You look like you could use a break", the soldier replied with a smile, handing her a small cup of milk and two sugar sachets. "I didn't know how you like it."

As the doctor thanked her again for her thoughtful gesture, the blonde soldier stepped beside her to see what she had been working on. In the last four hours, she had walked by her office a few times, admiring the concentration the redhead had, her focus on her unknown task. Working on a project of her own, she had found herself unable to stop thinking about the doctor. When she decided to allow herself a break and went to the commissary for a coffee refill, she had determined the only way she could gain her focus back was to learn why the beautiful redhead was working so late. As she was staring at Janet's computer screen, the captain recognized a familiar pattern.

"Goa'uld biology 101. What are you working on, doctor?"

Sam pulled a chair and sat next to Janet, who was busy mixing her coffee with milk and sugar.

"Teal'c", the doctor answered. "I'm trying to help him."

Both women stared at the computer screen, each mind wondering on their own reasons to be awake so late in the night. The warm coffee comforted Janet as she realized the captain was supposed to be on leave for the next two days.

"What are you still doing here, Captain?", she asked kindly. She added with a soft, welcoming voice; "Not that I mind, of course"

Her smile sent an electric current across Sam's stomach. She sighed, hoping the doctor had not noticed her reddening cheeks.

"Oh, you know… Work, research, insomnia…"

The list reminded Janet of SG-1's latest mission, and its disastrous outcome. As they only started their exploration of other planets, the SGC personnel was already faced with an enormous challenge: what could they do when one of their own went over the edge? When one of their colleagues and friends succumbed to the stress and anxiety, and became a monster? The doctor had been busy helping Connor gain back his health and strength since the incident, and she had forgotten about SG-1's important role in bringing him back to Earth.

Of course, a part of her knew why she had refused to give it a second thought: rumors around the base mentioned that Captain Carter was Jonas Hanson's ex-fiance, and it profoundly disturbed her. She remembered the few visits Hanson had made to the infirmary, his sexist remarks to the medical staff and violent behavior when he was contradicted. She should've talked with the General about his outbursts, but Janet had believed it was only caused by the stress of his work. Now that he was dead, she felt a strange mixture of guilt and relief. The thought of a man like Hanson being romantically involved with the beautiful blonde sickened her. She suppressed her disdain for the dead airman as she looked at the young captain.

"It's not easy to cope with the recent events", Janet said, uncertain of how to qualify SG-1's mission to retrieve SG-9.

"No", Sam replied, her voice lowering as she tried to find the right words. "I don't know what to think. I didn't know him like that."

The soldier retreated in silence, wondering why she was suddenly talking of Jonas with a doctor she barely knew. Somehow, she felt safe and comfortable with her, like she had known her for a long time, although it had been only weeks, and she was only a coworker.

"Sometimes, extreme conditions make the worst come out of us", Janet replied. The situation reminded her of Harry, his frustrations, his accusations, his drinking problem, all of which appeared suddenly, after two years of marriage. He had been a gentleman until then. Sure, he had his bad days, but he was a good man. She had trusted him. She shook her head; this was not the time to reflect on her divorce.

"Maybe", Sam said, as her mind clearly wandered somewhere else. "I liked that Jonas had a strong character. I knew he had a dark side, but I would never have guessed…"

The soldier censured herself, unable to determine what she hated more about Jonas: his belief that he was a god, or his disregards for human life. Perhaps it was both, Sam thought. As she looked back on her relationship with Hanson, she could not stop thinking the same thing over and over again.

"I have a pattern", Sam heard herself say, almost against her will. "I fall for power and authority figures."

Janet took a sip of her coffee, fighting the childish urge to remind the soldier that she was, after all, Chief Medical Officer. She even had the right to order General Hammond around, when it came to medical issues. She knew how ridiculous the statement would sound, and so she kept silence, wondering what she could answer. Sam's voice cut off her reflections on the matter.

"Brilliant. You want to fool the body."

"Excuse me?", Janet asked, not understanding what the soldier was talking about.

"Teal'c", she added, pointing the screen. "You want to persuade his nervous system that the Goa'uld is still there, so it doesn't go into shock."

Janet smiled at the soldier's reflections on her research. It was, indeed, the simplest way to put it. The intelligence of her colleague only reinforced the attraction she had felt for her, since the day she had met her. Sam Carter was one hell of a woman, she thought. Remembering the fantasies she entertained a few nights before about the soldier, she felt her cheeks reddening.

"You're right. Although, it is not that simple", the doctor added, hoping the other woman didn't notice her sudden change. "And it's still quite problematic."

"Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out", Sam replied as she got up. "I'll leave you to it."

Janet thanked her again for the coffee cup, turning her attention back to her computer screen.

"Good night, doc."

Janet's smile widened as the soldier left her office.

"Good night, Sam", she whispered. Looking at her research, it suddenly didn't feel so far fetched. Samantha Carter had to be right, she thought. She could do this.


	4. The Usual Ghosts

**The Usual Ghosts**

_Set during "Brief Candle". On a mission to Argos, O'Neill is seduced by the beautiful Kynthia, who infects him with an unknown sickness. As the Colonel rapidly ages, it is up to Carter and Fraiser to find out a cure in time._

* * *

Under the numbing neon lights, the air thickened with the constant noise of the computers, the atmosphere charging itself with a somber anguish. Fraiser and Carter both knew this feeling too well; it haunted their pasts, shadowed their dreams and nightmares. As a doctor, Fraiser had learned to live with that ghost; it seemed it thrived in hospital corridors, in emergency rooms, on operating tables. On that night, the phantom had slowly made its way through Stargate Command, and it hanged around as they went through the test results for a fourth time. Unavoidable death.

That phantom, Janet had crossed it often in her line of work. She had seen devastated families, lovers asphyxiated by it, tears and screams like chains, tragically following it around. Years of practicing medicine, it had become familiar, usual, until finally it had knocked on her door. One day, one horrible day, the ghost had opened its arms and swallowed her whole.

The conditioned air suddenly felt colder, and Janet closed her eyes to focus on her breathing. The fatigue always triggered those memories, especially when she worked in such conditions. The long hours, the multiple unknowns, it gave her that gut-wrenching feeling: that they were stuck, immobilized; that there was nothing they could do for Colonel O'Neill.

The doctor raised her head to look at her coworker, as if she was afraid the blonde woman could've heard her thoughts. The captain's face, with her red eyes and rings of fatigue, her muscles tensed with stress, indicated that she had reached the same conclusion. With Doctor Fraiser, the airman had been working non-stop for hours now, trying to determine what kind of unknown virus or bacteria was slowly killing her commanding officer. Now, Carter's mind, like Janet's, was sinking in the complex data, the unanswered questions, the limits of their medical technology.

"Maybe you should take a break. Focusing on that microscope is not going to help."

Janet's voice echoed in the silent room, as the soldier, barely paying attention, replied with a calm and tired voice.

"Drinking another coffee won't help either."

Walking the short distance from her computer to the captain's, Fraiser stood beside her, carefully choosing her words. As a doctor, she could not let the woman burn all her energy hitting a wall. During her research years, she had often arrived at that point where the frustrations of the work blinded her colleagues and her from finding a solution. When she reached that point – and she knew that Samantha had reached it too –, there was only one thing to do: let go.

"Great ideas come with great coffee", she suggested with a soft smile, gently resting her hand on the soldier's shoulder.

The gesture seemed to pull the blonde's attention to her. Turning her chair to face the doctor, the woman answered: "Well then nothing good can come out of our cafeteria." The soldier's sad smile sent an electric bolt to Janet's stomach.

"Captain, don't make me order you around", the doctor added, patiently waiting for Carter to finally agree with her that resting their minds would give them a new perspective on the puzzle – or so she hoped.

"I'm not. I'm close to something, I can feel it." Sam's reply appeared automatic, robotic. Every time the doctor had asked how her analysis was going, the soldier had answered the exact same thing before returning to her work. Noting that, this time, the captain did not shut her out, Fraiser insisted.

"We haven't been finding anything conclusive for the last two hours, captain. You need to rest your eyes and brain for a few minutes. You'll come back with a fresh mind. I promise."

As the doctor held out her hand to her, a strange relief overcame Sam. Somehow, the idea of leaving the disconcerting data behind gave her a certain hope, even though she also felt a pinch of guilt. Objectively, she knew that the human body could only go through so much, and that it needed a bit of rest to fully function. On a more personal level, she felt compelled to continue the work, even when it seemed pointless.

"You win, doc. Five minutes", Sam agreed reluctantly, grabbing the redhead's hand. The warmth of her touch immediately calmed her. There was something about the doctor's persona, about her soft yet assertive aura that attracted her. Staring in Janet's eyes, Sam felt, for a brief moment, that everything was going to be alright.

"Make it ten", the doctor added with another smile as she walked towards the door. Following the redhead, Sam's lips formed a vague smile.

"You drive a hard bargain, you know that?"

"It's how I got this job."

* * *

**Author's note: **

Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm sorry this chapter is a bit short, but I'll update sooner, to make it up to you! Also, is the episode's title enough info for you guys? Or would you prefer a short summary of the ep. before each chapter?


	5. Everything's All Right

**Everything's All Right**

_Set during "Fire and Water". While visiting a volcanic planet, SG-1 gets separated from Daniel in a wildfire that kills him instantly. However, after his funeral, the members of the team start doubting their memory of the events. Hypnosis finally reveals they had been brainwashed into believing that Daniel had died, when he was actually being kept captive by an alien who trusts that Dr Jackson will be able to reveal what happened to his mate._

* * *

"He's gone, isn't he?"

Wrapped in an emergency blanket, Sam rocked her body back and forth, trying to calm herself. A deep panic, stuck in her stomach, made her feel dizzy. When they had run through the gate, for a few seconds, she had felt safe. Here, in the infirmary, the medical personnel had gotten rid of her wet clothes and gave her new ones. The dry clothes, the grey blanket, her knees bent up and pressed against her chest; none of it brought her the warmth she needed. What happened did not make sense; she was at a loss.

"Why can't I stop shaking?"

Doctor Fraiser did not answer her question. Instead, she said something about being in shock, and she asked for another blanket. The soft voice, as soothing as it was, did not diminish Sam's anguish. Her career had brought, in the course of the years, a fair share of hurt, and yet Carter had rarely felt so distraught. If only she could get warm, it seemed things would calm down, the room would stop spinning, the tears would stop falling and then, maybe, she could remember where Daniel was. Except he was dead, and she knew it. She repressed once again her nausea.

As she looked at the captain's medical file, Janet resisted the urge to take the blonde woman in her arms, an instinct to hold her body until it had released the horrible memories Samantha's mind kept for itself. Doctor Fraiser had witnessed many breakdowns, psychological traumas and shocks before. No matter how much they joked around, or how much they loved their job, soldiers were always near life-threatening situations on the other side of the gate. Somehow, the SGC's personnel always knew one of them would not come back from there, but they had to ignore it to continue their missions. Today ripped everybody out of such a blissful ignorance. Today, they all had to face the facts.

"I just want you to take some slow, deep breaths for me."

The captain's nod, filled with sadness and fear, resembled the one of an infant's. Janet refrained herself, once again, from wrapping her arms around her colleague. It was both troubling and amazing how a soldier, in this state of shock, suddenly became so fragile. How this strong and healthy body, this symbol of will and power rapidly transformed itself, how it quickly adopted a new language to phrase its distress. Janet would recognize those signs anywhere, and as Samantha focused on her breathing, she tried to understand what had led to such turmoil.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

The suffering that pierced through Carter's eyes softened the doctor's approach. She placed her left hand on the soldier's arm, hoping the touch would show her support, her understanding. Somehow, the doctor felt the gesture helped her patient regain partial control over her emotions. Janet tried to keep eye-contact while Samantha spoke, knowing how determining those first moments could be for the soldier's mental state.

"He screamed, and…and there was this fire and…he called out for help and then… he screamed…and then he, he was gone! He was just…"

The blonde's tears overwhelmed her, her voice falling in silence, leaving the story unfinished. Janet knew there was nothing else she could learn from her patient right now.

"Shhh. It's all right, we're going to give you a sedative now so you can rest."

Against her own desires, Janet left Samantha to a nurse's care, rushing to another patient. As she calmed down Teal'c and briefly discussed with Col. O'Neill, one thought refused to be silenced: this time, no pill, no cast, and no cure would make it truly better.

* * *

"It's all right. You're going to be all right."

The words she had told Captain Carter on the day Daniel died still echoed in her head, joining an old memory of hers. She could still hear it as if it had been yesterday; her sister's voice, in that hospital room, and those dreadful phrases…

"The doctor said you're going to be all right. Janet? It's going to be all right."

Funny how the mind worked, Janet thought. It had taken her entire strength and courage to stop mourning and some days, like this one, she knew it would never really be over. All her memory needed was a word, a gesture, a scent, and she was there again, on the white hospital bed, in that blue hospital gown. She had moved on, but the painful meaning of that day would always be with her. Looking at Colonel O'Neill, she thought about the loss of his son. His wound, like hers, would never completely heal.

However, since Daniel's death, his behavior seemed more erratic than usual. She had only a small background in psychology, and yet, Janet could not stop thinking that something was odd. These anecdotes about Dr. Jackson, especially the way he told them, appeared unusual. It wasn't a commanding officer grieving the death of a colleague; there would've been more guilt, more shame. It looked as if O'Neill recollected about the good times without acknowledging that this wake was happening in memory of the man he was talking about; that Daniel would never be back.

As she heard loud salutations behind her, Janet turned around to see who had just arrived. She sent a smile to Teal'c and Sam before paying attention to the group conversation beside her. A few soldiers were talking, with a low voice, about who would replace Dr. Jackson in the SG-1 team. Sickened by the chatter of advancing careers and promising futures, she focused again on Colonel O'Neill's behavior.

It wasn't a change of pace as much as an odd feeling, she noticed. She was familiar with PTSD and although Teal'c, Captain Carter and the colonel showed clear signs of it, she felt something else was going on. Every time someone spoke of Daniel, the three looked surprised, as if they could not believe what they had witnessed.

What if their eyes had been playing tricks on them, she wondered. A shiver ran down her spine at the thought of being lost, alone, on another planet. Skin almost completely burned, unable to move. Waiting for the end; a cruel conclusion to a painful journey.

"Come get this damn car out of here!"

O'Neill's yells broke every discussion as all eyes turned towards him. Most soldiers rapidly looked away however, respectfully ignoring his breakdown. Janet left the group she was with to see how Teal'c and Captain Carter were reacting to the colonel's acting out. She noticed General Hammond had taken control of the situation and was bringing O'Neill back inside. Leaving the crowd, she decided to join the rest of SG-1 outside.

"How are you two holding up?", she asked with a kind voice, hoping her worried train of thought wouldn't show.

"Excuse me", Teal'c replied, his eyes locked on the house. He left without another word, obviously worried about his commanding officer's state of mind.

Alone with the blonde soldier, Janet felt her subconscious had somehow betrayed her. All this time, she had thought she was equally concerned for all members of SG-1. As she felt a subtle joy from being alone with Samantha, the doctor tried to convince herself of the nobility of her intentions. Somehow, it seemed like a lie.

"We're okay", Sam finally answered with a false smile, avoiding the doctor's eyes.

"Captain, if you ever need anything", Janet added, putting her hand on the soldier's arm to get her attention, "Just let me know."

The blonde raised her head and quickly washed off a tear running down her cheek. She nodded in silence, eyes returning to her glass of beer, obviously embarrassed.

"I'll see you at the base", the redhead said with a comforting smile. She had already started to walk to her car when she heard Captain Carter's voice behind her.

"Doctor Fraiser?", Sam called, rapidly joining her in the colonel's driveway. She captured Janet's hand in hers and gently squeezed it. "Thank you."

Almost immediately releasing her hold on the doctor's hand, Captain Carter walked back inside the colonel's house, rejoining with the wake's guests as Janet reached her car. As she sat down and fastened her seat belt, the redhead cursed herself for being so moved by the soldier's gesture. She focused on the things she had to do before her next shift at the base, unaware that, inside the house, through a window, a blonde captain watched her every move with a heartbreaking smile.


	6. Ladies First

**Ladies First**

_Set shortly before and during "Hathor". The discovery of an ancient Mayan pyramid in Mexico brings back to life the Goa'uld Hathor, goddess of fertility, inebriety and music. She seduces the male soldiers in an attempt to rule the Earth once more. It is up to Carter, Fraiser and a few female officers to save the day._

* * *

The stream of hot water suddenly felt displeasing and uncomfortable. As the white foam of the soap carried on its way through the drain, Janet stepped out of the SGC's narrow cubicle, wrapping herself immediately in a blank dark green towel. Although she often showered at the base, she always hated having to walk back to the locker room to change. Drops of water still falling on her shoulders, she rapidly made her way through the grey corridor, her nude feet resenting the coldness of the ceramic floor. Deeply invested in her thoughts, she quickly turned the corner leading to the lockers, running straight into another officer.

"Sorry", she briefly apologized as she adjusted her towel, embarrassed by her state of undress.

"Doctor", the other woman answered with a shy smile, "Nice to see you."

Obviously just arriving from a mission, the blonde captain looked astonishing. Underneath the dirt and the fatigue, only her grey-blue eyes showed her tiredness; otherwise, she was all soft skin and strong muscles. Janet gazed on the naked shoulders, restraining herself from staring at the long, slender legs. As she felt a budding desire in her lower stomach, the doctor became suddenly keenly aware of her own nakedness.

"Captain", she replied, her cheeks reddening. Her self-consciousness prevented her from finding anything else to add to the conversation, although she enjoyed the surprise meeting. She cursed herself for her timidity as silence filled the air.

"Well, I should probably…", Sam concluded, with a slight hesitation.

"Yes, of course", Janet answered the unfinished sentence hastily, her hands still holding her towel firmly in place. As she took a step forward, she awkwardly ran into the blonde soldier again. Her nervousness immediately abandoned her body with the contact, as she shared a short laugh with the captain. Stepping aside, Janet gestured towards the showers.

"Ladies first", she told Sam with a charming smile.

* * *

"You know, using seduction wasn't in any of the AF training manuals I ever read", Carter added, trying to repress a frustration she couldn't explain. It wasn't that the plan Fraiser was suggesting went against every instinct she had – there was something else. Something she did not want to admit to herself.

"What? You think the Pentagon anticipated a 4,000 year old alien walking onto a base and drugging all the men to make them…"

"Libidinous?", the blonde airman completed Janet's sentence. Knowing no other way could get them out of confinement, Sam reluctantly consented to the doctor's plan. "I suppose they do train us to take advantage of the enemy's weakness."

"Exactly", Janet answered with an inviting smile that sent a blow to Sam's stomach.

The thought of seducing the guards of their holding cell filled her with a strange anxiety. As a soldier, Sam was trained to fight to defend herself. Using trickery wasn't a strategy she usually agreed with, and yet, it seemed like it could work. What bothered her, she concluded, was the doctor's role in this plan. Since she had been infected with the _Touched_ plague, she had never stopped feeling this primitive urge to protect Dr Fraiser. Once again, she tried to ignore it.

"All right, let's do it", she agreed with a sigh.

As the doctor called for the airmen's attention, Sam noticed how her tone sounded artificial, as if a parody of seduction. The bogus words made her laugh as Janet continued enticing the men playfully.

"Gentlemen, there are five women in here, very alone", the redhead said, almost cracking up in laughter when her eyes met Sam's.

"Why do I feel like I'm in a 'Women Behind Bars' movie?", Sam asked without awaiting a reply. Preparing herself mentally for the attack, she felt sickened by the sound of the door opening. Trying to avoid looking at Dr Fraiser kissing the young airman, she grabbed the second guard's face with a fake smile.

Her elbow hit his face hard and he instantly fell on the ground, unconscious. Her sharp reflexes kicking in, she quickly grabbed his gun. Turning around, she noticed Dr Fraiser had already stolen the other guard's firearm while the other female officers had pacified him. The sight of the determined and armed redhead triggered another rush of adrenaline through her body.

"Feel like a woman, Doc?", she asked, assessing the doctor's state of mind.

"Oh, yeah", the redhead firmly replied before sending her an earnest look. Reassured by the doctor's confidence, the captain assumed the leading position of her small army.

"Let's tie them up."

* * *

"Memory loss is so frustrating", Sam told Dr Fraiser as she entered her office without knocking. The redhead's eyes widened with surprise as her right hand rapidly closed her pale blue blouse.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't…", the captain said, rapidly turning around to hide her embarrassment and to allow the doctor some privacy. As she was about to leave, the redhead's voice held her back.

"It's alright Captain", Janet answered with a soft voice. "Actually… I wouldn't mind some help", she shyly added, looking down at her uniform.

Cheeks still reddened, the soldier turned around slowly. She was relieved to notice that the doctor's blouse was almost completely buttoned up; only three buttons were unfastened.

"Sure, hum…", the blonde woman agreed with hesitation. Trying to control her breathing, she gently closed the office door before turning her attention back to the redhead. "What can I do for you?"

"I feel ridiculous, but if you could lend me a hand", Janet gestured at her uniform. "This is taking forever", she added with a kind smile.

"No problem", the soldier almost whispered, walking up to the doctor. She focused on her hands as she buttoned the woman's blouse, but Sam's skin tingled with the heat of Janet's breath against her. Trying to derail her train of thoughts, Carter asked how her arm was doing, immediately feeling ridiculous for asking. Of course, a bullet through a shoulder brought its load of pain, she knew exactly how it felt.

"Oh, it's not so bad", Janet answered with a low voice, gazing at the soldier's hands.

Sam grabbed the dark blue collar of the doctor's uniform on the near-by desk and wrapped it around the redhead's neck. As she arranged it following the base's regulations, her mind skid towards the grace and beauty of the woman in front of her. Her fingers continued to knot the familiar fabric while she pictured how touching Janet's skin would feel like. Her breathing deepened, and as she was lost in her thoughts, she did not notice how the doctor's heartbeat rapidly increased with her every move.

"How are the boys?", the doctor asked to control herself, remembering all the details of the scenarios she had run until this day – in the bath, in her bed, picturing Samantha's kisses, her touch, her fingers –

"They're… processing the events", Sam answered as she took a step back. Both women shared a timid smile as they slowly regained their usual calm.

"Well, while we wait for the General's memory to return, I was going to take samples in the locker room", Janet said as she struggled to put on her lab coat. Sam's hand helped her once again, as she asked: "What do you say, still up for some work?"

Captain Carter opened the door with a smile.

"Ladies first", she spoke joyfully, following Janet through the Stargate Command's corridors.


	7. Safe House

**Safe House**

_Set after the events of "Singularity". The episode relates SG-1's encounter with Cassandra, the only survivor of a planetary plague on __PX8-987__. After concluding the young girl hasn't been infected with the disease, SG-1 take her through the Stargate, only to find that the Goa'ulds are responsible for the catastrophic event, and that they have implanted a bomb inside the child, using her as a Trojan horse. During the episode, Carter develops a close bond with the child, although it is Dr Fraiser who adopts her when the situation finally resolves._

* * *

"I think it looks great."

Sam's voice echoed through the empty corridor and reached the bathroom down the hallway. As the running water stopped, a smiling redhead emerged. On her red t-shirt and her washed-out jeans, the multicolored spots of paint highlighted her good looks. As Janet walked towards her, the captain's eyes wandered in her new friend's home.

"It's perfect", Janet answered with a smile, proudly staring at the freshly painted walls. "Thank you again."

"It was a pleasure", Sam assured her, taking a sip of her beer. "Anything I can do."

The doctor squeezed the blonde's left arm gently before returning to the washroom. As she cleaned the paintbrushes, the pink colored water reminded her about Cassie's smile when Sam and she had asked her to choose the color of her new bedroom. A fresh start.

"She will be happy here", the captain said as she joined the redhead. Her dark blue work pants, already stained with motorcycle oil, now showed a multitude of small pink and white dots.

"I hope so", the doctor replied with a smile, handing her a towel. Brushing the fabric against her arms in aloof motions, Sam cleaned out the small traces of paint on her arms, curiously investigating Fraiser's home in a wide look. At her left, Carrie's bedroom ended the long corridor, and at her right, Janet's. Closer to the bathroom, the laundry room and a small office – that was currently occupied by several dozens of boxes – completed the upper level of the house. Down the stairs, the front windows allowed the sun in the doctor's office. The large open space then became the living room, ending in a large kitchen that was also used as a dining room. Out in the garden, Sam had noticed, a large table had been pushed aside to create a sandbox and to add a swing.

"You missed one", Janet said as she closed the running water. Too busy mapping the house mentally, Sam didn't understand what the doctor said. The redhead laughed at her confused look. "Here."

Janet raised her hand to brush her thumb against Sam's right cheek in a smooth gesture. Her breathing stopped as she felt the heat on the blonde's skin underneath the small paint drop. Knots tied themselves in her stomach, a growing desire she tried to resist. When her stare locked onto the soldier's blue orbs, she noticed a strange glare that she had not seen before. As the hand cupped her face, Sam leaned in slightly, the tip of Janet's fingers lying softly against her blonde hair.

A ringtone abruptly interrupted the silence of the room. As if they were doing something forbidden, the doctor immediately withdrew her hand, embarrassed. Without a word, she left the room to answer the phone, leaving behind the ambiguity of the last few seconds. Breathing down deeply, Sam tried to slow down her heartbeats. She stared at herself in the mirror, uncertain of what had just happened. Janet's voice pierced through the walls, although she could not discern what she was saying, or who she was talking to. As she heard her laugh, the blonde decided it would be better to act as if nothing had happened, and to ignore the fact that, for a moment, she had deeply lunged for Janet to kiss her.

As Sam joined her friend downstairs, she tried to guess who she was speaking to. Because she was laughing a lot, she guessed it was someone she liked – a lover maybe? The thought reminded her that she did not know much about Janet's personal life; she had discovered only this morning that she owned a house, and that she was living alone. Once, she had referred to an ex-husband, Carter recalled. Otherwise, her new friend's life was a mystery.

"It was Colonel O'Neill; they'll be here in 15", Janet said as she hung up, eyes locked on the beautiful woman she had almost kissed. "I better change before they arrive", she added with a short sigh.

* * *

"She's asleep. For now."

Sam spoke quietly as she joined Janet in the kitchen and reached for her glass of wine.

"Thank you, Sam", the redhead said with a shy smile, wiping her hands on a cloth. Its fabric irritated her skin, reddened by the hot water of the dishes. She took a sip of red wine as she stared at the empty table. Only an hour before, they had all been eating and drinking, celebrating Cassandra's arrival in a new life. Sixty minutes later, the house was filled with silence and the constant expectation that the child would wake up in tears. The girl's nightmares were only worsened by the stress of sleeping in a new environment, leaving Janet doubtful about their decision to try to diminish her medication.

"You really have to stop thanking me", Sam answered gently, eyes still on the staircase, as if she was looking at Cassandra. Her worried gaze comforted Janet in the knowledge that she would not spend this difficult night alone. The soldier had proposed to stay at her house until the next day, allowing an easier passage from Stargate Command to Fraiser's home. The thankful doctor led Sam to her living room, where they sat on the couch, closer to the stairs.

"I will try", Janet's lower voice promised with a smile.

"And if you ever need a hand…", Sam suggested, laying a hand on Janet's thigh before she stretched her arms, exhausted. The doctor repressed a short laugh.

"I'm sorry, it's just… you made it sound like a lame pick-up line", the doctor explained with a smile. "'And, if you need a hand, babe'", she repeated with a grave voice, this time putting her hand on Sam's thigh. As the soldier laughed it off quietly, the redhead took another sip from her glass of wine. "I'm just tired and… this… this is really good wine."

Underneath the playful tone, Sam discerned that a more serious thought occupied Janet's mind. She noticed the doctor was biting her lower lip, and as they looked in each other's eyes, the blonde felt her heartbeat increase once again.

"It is", the blonde soldier replied with a solemn voice, finding herself leaning in, lunging once again for Janet's kiss.

"MOMMY!"

Cassandra's scream broke the silence as both women bolted out of the couch. Without a word, they both ran up the stairs and through the corridor, to Janet's bedroom. On the king-size mattress, the small girl looked like a small shell lost in a terrible ocean. Tears ran down her cheeks as she continued to cry out for her mom.

"Cassie, we're here. It's okay, you're okay", the redhead repeated over and over, rocking the little girl in her arms.

"It's a nightmare sweetie. It's over", Sam added in a comforting voice. The blonde sat on the tip of the bed behind the doctor, running her left hand through Cassandra's hair, laying her right hand on Janet's back to keep her balance. After a few minutes, the child's cries finally stopped.

"Could you get her a glass of water?", Janet whispered to Sam, who immediately agreed. As she walked towards the bathroom, the soldier listened to the redhead's voice. The maternal tone she used when she addressed Cassie reminded her of her own mother. The softness and care it conveyed brought her into a nostalgic mood as she filled up the glass.

After the child had gone back to sleep, both women returned downstairs, each of them locked in their own thoughts. Sitting down next to the doctor, Sam noticed Janet's depressed look.

"Are you okay?", she whispered, worried.

"Of course", Janet replied with a sad smile before swallowing the rest of her wine. "Bed time?", she sighed.

"Yeah, definitely bed time."

* * *

Janet woke up as tired as when she had gone asleep. Slowly opening one eye to see what time it was, she was surprised by a curl of short blonde hair on the next pillow. Opening both eyes, she lifted her head slowly to avoid waking up the intruder. As memories of the previous night flashed in her head, she recognized Captain Carter.

Even with the sleeping pills, Cassandra had woken up several times throughout the night, and often, she would refuse to go back to bed without Sam. At three o'clock this morning, they had given up, and the soldier had agreed to join them both in the bedroom upstairs. Although it did not stop the nightmares, it made it easier to calm her down.

Staring at the beautiful sleeper next to her, the redhead found herself overwhelmed by contradicting emotions: the happiness of not waking up alone, and the fear it also brought. Again, she thought of what she had worked out with her therapist, and repeated to herself that _there was no harm in having a family_. She remembered promising to introduce Cassandra to Oliver, her sister's adorable son.

When Samantha started to wake up, Janet buried her face in her pillow, embarrassed by the fact that, for the past few minutes, she had been watching her sleep. She patiently listened, wondering how childish it was of her to actually pretend waking up.

"Sam!", Cassandra joyfully shouted, emerging between the two women from beneath the sheets. The child's sudden appearance relieved Janet, who quickly rose from the bed.

"Hey Cassie", Sam replied with a sleepy voice. The blonde smiled when she saw Janet kiss the girl's forehead before standing up.

"I'll go make us some coffee", she said, slowly leaving the room. Sam kept her eyes on the doctor, finding her surprisingly attractive in her white cotton camisole and her blue pajama pants.

"Can I have some coffee too?", Cassandra playfully asked the blonde soldier, pulling her out of her reverie.

"I don't think so", Sam replied with a smile as she got out of bed. Looking down at her wrinkled green t-shirt and boxers, she felt more exhausted than she had been in a while.

She lazily joined Janet in the kitchen as Cassandra decided to explore her new house for the third time. Almost falling asleep on the counter, she gazed at the redhead. The smell of coffee, the sunlight in empty wineglasses, Janet's sleepy movements as she prepared breakfast, all of it seemed to belong to a new world. One that Sam understood and felt safe in. One she already did not want to leave.


	8. Long Time, No See

**Long Time, No See**

_Set during and after the events of "Tin Man". SG-1 returns from a strange encounter with Harlan, who has rendered them unconscious in an attempt to 'make them better'. When Dr Fraiser performs the usual check-ups, she finds out the team has been replaced with robots. The situation resolves itself when it turns out that Harlan hasn't transformed them into androids; he has created duplicates of the real SG-1 team, and kept the originals alive in stasis. _

_This chapter also references to the events of "Solitudes", where Captain Carter and Col. O'Neill, due to a Stargate malfunction, end up astray in Antarctica._

* * *

"Hey."

Sam closed the door behind her as she stepped in Janet's office. The doctor's surprise turned to fear as she remembered that SG-1 was not due back for another five hours. She frowned at the sight of what her friend was wearing: a black suit with a few grey stripes, instead of her usual uniform.

"Is everything okay?"

Sam answered the redhead's question with a smile. The gesture remained lost on Janet, who felt that something was wrong. Looking at the beautiful astrophysicist, a knot tied itself inside her guts. The two women had not been alone together since Sam almost died in Antarctica, and seeing her again only reminded her of the anguish she had felt then.

"Why are you dressed like that?", the redhead asked, pushing aside the memory of terrible frost bites on Sam's feet and hands. Although she wasn't the one who had helped her heal, Janet had seen pictures in the report, and it had been enough to sicken her for days. She thought of how hard it had been, lying to Cassandra, pretending her friend's mission was a bit longer than expected when, in fact, Sam was nowhere to be found.

"No idea", the soldier replied as if it did not matter. "We woke up like this."

Janet's worries grew stronger, even though the blonde airman seemed fine. The doctor left her desk to grab her lab coat and a stethoscope, still fighting with her desire to feel Sam's lips on her, lunging to replace the cold and harsh souvenir of the near-dead blonde by heated pleasures she wasn't supposed to want.

"I was thinking, maybe we could hang out", Sam asked as she walked the few steps between them. "After your shift, I mean. Cassie, you and me… I'd like that."

"Of course", Janet replied, her hands holding on tightly to the stethoscope. She focused on her own breathing, trying to calm down as emotions ran through her. Her attraction for the captain, although mainly physical, embarrassed her. Janet cursed herself for allowing herself to want someone so much. "I mean, it's nighttime, and she's… not home, so, I would have to pick her up but… Yes, I would really… I would really like that too."

As the doctor searched her words, Sam smelled Janet's perfume and became suddenly keenly aware of how close their bodies had been for the last minute. Somehow, she stayed there, perfectly still, except for her thumb that was now running tender circles on Janet's arm. She did not react when the doctor's hand reached for her cheek, slowly pulling her in. She stopped breathing when Janet's lips touched hers in a soft embrace, her other hand resting on her thigh. When Sam felt an electric current run through her, her desire awakened. Unable to repress it, a short moan left her lips, and as the sound broke the silence she stepped back quickly.

"Maybe we shouldn't…" the blonde whispered, her eyes staring at the floor as she cleared her throat. "I uh… I'll be waiting with the others, doc."

Sam rapidly made her way through the door, scratching the back of her head in a vain attempt to get rid of her embarrassment. Lab coat on one arm, her stethoscope in the other, Janet sighed. Repressing the shame and sadness that tried to overcome her, she slipped on the white coat on and left her office. The walk through the infirmary gave her a chance to compose herself before reaching the SG team who waited for her.

To avoid looking at Sam, she went straight to Colonel O'Neill, diving into her work to allow the knot inside her stomach to untie itself. Ordering him to breathe deeply, she placed her stethoscope on his chest, repeating the same routine she always did when a team came back from the Stargate. She frowned when she did not hear the familiar sounds of his heartbeats, or the usual humming of his respiratory system. She took a step back, allowing the peculiar information to sink in her mind and searching for a scientific explanation.

"Colonel, how do you feel?"

"Never felt better in my life! That gets me a little worried actually."

As she asked him to listen to his own heartbeat, her brain ran all the medical data she could remember, trying to make sense of the situation. Feeling a slight fear rising inside of her, she pushed it back by requesting a blood sample. Her gloved fingers rushed to complete their task, rapidly plunging the syringe in the colonel's right arm. Janet's anxiety reached a new level at the sight of the milky grey liquid that now filled the man's veins.

"My God, what the hell is that? Get that out of me!", the soldier screamed in panic.

"Look, I'm going to need x-rays on all of them. Stat!", she ordered her staff, trying to remain in control of the situation. She barely noticed that Sam was talking to her, coming back to her senses only when she looked at the colonel, horrified at the sight of him cutting his arm open with a scalpel.

"Colonel! What the hell are you doing?", she yelled at him in fear. As he peeled back his skin, Janet felt a strong nausea overcome her. She raced to the panic button, alerting security to join her in the infirmary. Terrified, she stood with her back against the wall, eyes locked on the impostors.

"Whoa, security? Dr Frasier, it is us", Daniel told her, trying to calm down the situation.

"Just, don't come any closer" she ordered when he took a step forward. Her eyes ran from one person to another in panic, still unable to understand what was going on. This woman, in front of her, this blonde woman she had kissed… The thought sickened her as she rested against the cold, grey wall.

As Colonel O'Neill argued with General Hammond, Janet kept her eyes on the young captain. Her terrified stare allowed the doctor to doubt her assessment of the situation for a second, only to find herself drowning in anguish. She could not believe she had been tricked, and still, it had to be. What was in front of her wasn't human, she repeated to herself as Sam and the rest of SG-1 left the room, escorted by several armed soldiers; it could not be.

* * *

A thin layer of orange announced the sun's return as Janet walked to her car. The events of the last few hours played back in her head while she juggled with her keys in the quiet parking lot. She took a second to gaze at the trees surrounding the base, breathing down deeply. As she unlocked her door and stepped into her car, she felt her mind retrieving a certain peace.

She waited a few minutes before starting the engine, convincing herself that there was nothing else she could do to help SG-1. General Hammond had sent 'them' back to P3X-989, with a promise to go looking for them after a few hours. Although she trusted him, she still resented having to leave the base, but she had promised Cassandra she would be coming back in the early morning, and she simply couldn't wait to hold her in her arms.

As the mountain shrunk in the back view mirror, Janet tried to recall every detail of her encounter with Sam's impostor. That android had not given her any clues that she wasn't Samantha Carter, however, it hadn't proved that it was her, either. Although there was something odd about the captain's behavior, every bit of her still felt like Sam.

The redhead wondered if she would've been so eager to believe they weren't the real SG-1 had she not felt so rejected. Her ambivalence towards the kiss made her drive faster, as if putting a distance between the base and herself would allow her some space from the emotions she felt. The pleasure the kiss had brought her contradicted the horror she had felt afterwards.

As she parked her car in her sister's driveway, Janet allowed herself a few minutes of solitude. Inside the house, she knew everybody was probably still sleeping; after all, it was only five a.m. She unfastened her seat belt and kept her eyes on the closed curtains in the living room windows. This ordinary life, with its common objects and its predictable events, it always seemed a bit out of reach.

Her marriage with Harry, for instance, had turned out more like a nightmare than the dream she had imagined it would be. She thought she would have it all: an interesting career, a beautiful house, healthy kids, a caring husband. She ended up working night shifts at the hospital, barely finding the time for her own researches, with a man who blamed her from everything they had been through. When an Air Force officer knocked on her door, congratulating her for her recent published papers and offering her work, she felt like she had a second chance. A chance to finally get out.

Of course, the change had also brought her painful moments. Harry, drunken with anger, smashing the house they had lived in, crying and screaming that she could not do this to him. Not now. Not after that terrible day at the hospital, the one where they all thought she would die. She knew a part of her had, in fact, died on that operating table. The part of her she hated the most. The part that was too afraid to try getting what she wanted. To bury that part, a new job and an airplane ride wasn't enough.

Janet sighed as she closed her eyes, picturing that younger version of herself, proudly walking in her parent's driveway in her blue dress uniform. She did not know why she had decided to put it on that day, why she could not have that conversation without it. Maybe it was a shield, she thought. She knew all too well how they would react. Their daughter, a lesbian? Impossible. Surely she was still grieving, after all, she was having a hectic behavior, doing things they could not explain. Leaving her husband, joining the Air Force, and now, she loved other women? They refused to see that those things had always been there, inside her, that she had been ignoring her desires to lead the life they wanted her to have.

She sighed again, hoping to find the strength to switch her mood before walking inside Kathy's home. Somehow, she would still have to lie to Cassandra, to tell her that Sam was alright, but busy, that she wasn't lost. Again, she would have to forget that she had no idea where Samantha Carter was, how she was doing, and if she would ever be back. The thought sickened her as she slowly fell asleep, exhausted, not even feeling the coldness of the window on her warm cheek.

* * *

"Can you imagine? This technology is actually out there, at our reach!", the captain continued happily. "I mean, the possibilities are simply endless, don't you think?"

The blonde raised her head when her friend did not answer. She noticed the redhead had barely drunk her coffee and was focusing on turning her spoon around in her cup, her mind miles away. This afternoon, the silence of Janet's house seemed heavier than usual, less warm and welcoming.

"I'm boring you out, aren't I?", Sam asked with an apologizing smile.

"No", Janet quickly answered. As she rose from her seat to rinse the two cups, Janet avoided looking at her friend, feeling an overwhelming sadness. "Not at all."

The blonde woman patiently waited for her friend's return, smiling as she spied on her every movement. Sam deeply enjoyed those discussions with Janet, her kitchen filled with the smell of coffee as they talked about nothing and everything. Often, the captain found herself staring at the doctor as she prepared a new pot or rinsed the cups, and the sight instantly calmed her.

"What's wrong?", the blonde asked as her friend sat down beside her.

"I understand how incredible this technology is", she started with hesitation. "I just… haven't shared the same experience."

The verb "share" reminisced Janet of Sam's lips on hers, an illicit souvenir, a forbidden memory that she should never speak of. It was a profound joy she felt when they had learned that SG-1 was still alive and well, that the androids were actually perfect copies of the original team members. Now that the fear was gone, she was left only with guilt and shame at the thought of the kiss.

"I can imagine your surprise" Sam told her with a smile, trying to reassure her friend.

"Surprise?" Janet cut her off roughly. "I wasn't surprised, Sam, I was terrified."

The redhead spoke with an accusative tone, as if she held the blonde accountable for what had happened. Even though she knew she couldn't blame her frustrations on the soldier, Janet felt her anger was impossible to control.

"I hadn't realized", Sam replied, unsure why the discussion had escalated so quickly.

As the front door opened, letting Cassandra in, Janet stared outside through her kitchen window, trying to regain her composure. The child ran through the corridor when she saw Sam, screaming in joy. She jumped on the soldier's lap, laughing as the blonde tickled her.

"Hey sweetie", Sam welcomed her in a hug. "Long time no see."

Janet closed her eyes at the embrace, vowing to forget about the kiss and her feelings towards the blonde captain. It simply could not be.

* * *

_Author's note: _

_Hey guys! I just wanted to thank you for the reviews. This is going to be a long ride, and I hope you'll join me until the end! As "gatehead81" said, it is quite a lot of (really fun) research (and a great reason to re-watch every episode of Sg-1), but I will try to update as often as possible._

_If you have any comments, challenges, suggestions or anything else, don't hesitate! Although I will remain close to the cannon, I am always willing to add some depths to my characters (hence, Kathy, Matt and Oliver)._

_Again, thank you for reading!_


	9. After My Own Heart

**After My Own Heart**

_Set during and after the events of "In the Line of Duty". While rescuing a village from a Goa'uld attack, Captain Carter becomes the unwilling host of the Tok'ra symbiote Jolinar of Malkshur, who is hiding from an Ash'rak by living in a Nasyan man – during the rescue, the man gets critically hit, forcing Jolinar to invade Carter as she performs mouth-to-mouth to the agonizing stranger. Unfortunately, the Goa'uld assassin succeeds in infiltrating the SGC and kills Jolinar, who sacrifices herself to keep Carter alive. _

_Please note that I will refer to Jolinar as male in this chapter, since Sam believed she was a "he" until she met Martouf._

* * *

To transfer the Nasyan refugees to the closest Air Force military hospital, every unessential personnel had been deployed to the task, transforming the SGC in a giant hive, crawling with soldiers and nurses. The emergency situation had required Janet to cancel all her appointments and to double her shift. As Chief Medical Officer, she had to assist in the rescue, to supervise the victims' transport and to review the files of every patient transferred and those of the soldiers who had aided them to flee the Goa'uld attack.

As the redhead carefully composed her initial report to General Hammond, her face tilted downwards with concentration and fatigue, a nurse knocked on the doorframe of her office. She barely lifted her eyes from the file as he spoke.

"Excuse me, doctor?", he asked quietly from the room's entrance. "Captain Carter is here for her post-mission exam."

The captain's name sent a stressful flare in her muscles, but she ignored the feeling as she thanked the young man and assured him she would be performing the exam in a few minutes. The spark she had felt differed greatly from the adrenaline that had strained her body for the last eight hours, as she had ran from an emergency to another, mending wounds and keeping the crisis under control. This jolt brought her a more subtle distress as she remembered how, only two hours ago, she had insisted, rather rudely, that Colonel O'Neill order Captain Carter to report to the infirmary for her post-mission exam.

For a few weeks now, the redhead had kept her distance from the soldier, avoiding sitting with her in the commissary and dispatching her medical exams to other members of her personnel. The doctor still invited her over to spend time with Cassandra, but she always took precautions to ensure that she wouldn't be alone with Samantha. Though polite and friendly, their exchanges grew colder as Janet struggled with the memory of the kiss. Even though the redhead knew her odd behavior was responsible for that distance between them, she couldn't stop blaming it on Sam's inability to address her emotions.

Of course, years of therapy had already taught Janet that she was projecting her own inadequacies on the captain, she thought with a sigh. Grabbing her stethoscope and a fresh pair of gloves, she made her way towards the back of the infirmary, where the beautiful blonde patiently waited for her exam. The redhead opened the soldier's file and let it rest on a nearby table, breathing deeply as she grabbed Sam's forearm to check her pulse.

"How are you?", she asked with a professional voice, eyes locked on her wrist watch.

"I have no injuries to report", Sam replied, detached. "I'm ok."

Janet wrote down a few numbers on the report, trying to invest herself in her job as she felt a slight frustration. Although Sam's disinterested tone could easily be explained by fatigue and the routine nature of the exam, it bothered the doctor to notice how she acted – as if she was nothing more than her doctor. She tried to blame it on her own behavior and cursed the weakness of her heart as she continued the examination in silence.

As her hands rubbed the soldier's nape to verify potential Goa'uld entry, she tried to repress the memory of the kiss once again. Feelings of guilt, shame and desire overwhelmed her as she focused on the soldier's warm skin underneath her gloved fingers. When she moved her hands towards Sam's glands, the back of her thumb rubbed against the blonde's jaw, triggering the souvenir of the soft, delicate moan Sam had let out as they had kissed. Avoiding the blonde's deep blue eyes, she took a step back.

"Sorry I have to do this", she said as she turned around, picking up a tongue depressor. "Alright, open."

The doctor's flashlight revealed an abrasion at the back of her throat, and as she performed a swab, Janet could not stop the constant growth of her frustration with the soldier's evident lack of interest.

"Cassandra's been asking about you", she carefully said, hoping the child's name would initiate a more friendly conversation.

"Cassandra… Yeah, I've been so busy lately…", the soldier replied, impassive.

"She understands", Janet answered with a small twitch of jealousy and repressed anger. "Okay. You just let me know if it gets worse."

Sam didn't seem to notice the doctor's fake cheerful tone as she asked if she could join the teams that would search for relocation sites the next day.

"Sure", Janet replied. Saddened by the thought that the soldier would leave her infirmary without showing any sign of friendship, the redhead struggled against the frustrations of her heart. "Cassandra's going to be at the hospital with me tomorrow, so why don't you stop by and spend a little time with her first, you know, if you can?"

"I will."

Sam accepted the offer before walking out of the infirmary, leaving a puzzled redhead behind. Even though Janet's instincts screamed at her that she had to stay away from the captain, she simply couldn't stop her heart from falling for her.

* * *

After the symbiote's death, Samantha Carter remained silent for days, allowing herself to properly grieve Jolinar of Malkshur. She thanked with soft smiles the members of her team when they came by to check up on her, and she had hugged Cassandra for an hour before she had finally let her go. Although their presence rendered her stay in the infirmary warmer and more comfortable, Samantha felt the visits were unnecessary and tiresome. Somehow, she was relieved to have so many hours to herself, because the solitude made it easier to ponder on every minute of Jolinar's presence within her.

A Goa'uld parasite had always been a synonym of 'enemy' and 'invader', until then. Never had they considered it could live in a true symbiosis with its host, permitting both minds to coexist in one body. Although Jolinar's intrusion hadn't gone smoothly, Sam Carter felt it could've been. Where they had seen a threat, she had found an ally.

During the hours of their forced cohabitation, the symbiote had shared memories with Sam to make her understand the Tok'ra's way of life, and the danger that menaced Jolinar's existence. The blonde soldier had felt unbearable fear and anger when Colonel O'Neill had ignored her plea for the Goa'uld's safety. Although she did not agree with Jolinar's methods – his decision to threaten Cassie, for instance –, she felt compelled to make her team comprehend the importance of such an encounter and the necessity to trust Jolinar. After his death to the Ash'rak, Sam felt empty, drained by the experience of his agony within her.

During those seventy-two hours of silence, Janet Fraiser had barely left the SGC's infirmary. She had sent Cassandra to her sister's house for a few days, as she planned to remain at the base until Sam's recovery was complete. 'Complete'; the word sounded strange and foreign to the soldier's ears. How could such a recovery ever be complete?

Of all the visitors Captain Carter had during her convalescence, Janet was her favorite. Every few hours, she would come by Sam's bed to check her vital signs before helping her out of the bed for a short walk around the SGC's corridors. The redhead supported the captain's weight as they walked slowly, her left arm firmly wrapped around Sam's waist. Janet told her it was to prevent bed sores, and even though the blonde felt it was more than that, she didn't say a word. The doctor also respected her silence, barely speaking to her when she gently performed routine exams, letting her hand hold onto her just a bit more than necessary.

On the third night, Janet ventured in her empty infirmary, verifying every cabinet's medical supplies, slowly making her way towards her only patient. Although it was 2 A.M., the soldier laid awake, on her back, her blue eyes staring at the ceiling. The redhead doctor sat on the bed beside her, resting one of her hands on Sam's stomach. Through the sheets, she felt the rise and fall of Sam's breath, filling and emptying her lungs in a slow rhythm. Since the captain didn't respond to her presence, Janet ran her other hand through her hair, gently removing the blonde curls that obstructed her gaze. When the blue orbs met her eyes, the redhead smiled softly.

"I don't know if I told you that story", she started saying with a low voice. "A few years ago, I was walking downtown with my ex-girlfriend, and this angry old man started yelling at us, calling us 'dykes' and 'whores'. It was awful, really awful."

Sam's eyes softened at the thought of a younger Janet, lost in a big city filled with hateful people and disinterested bystanders who never wanted to get involved.

"And then, in the middle of a sentence, the man collapsed on the ground, his hand to his chest", she continued, noticing how the soldier seemed more invested in this conversation than she had been in days. "So while we waited for an ambulance, I had to help him."

A spark of surprise lighted up the blonde's face as Janet continued her story.

"He had a stroke while insulting me, can you believe that? And he smelled so bad, I almost threw up on him when I gave him mouth-to-mouth."

A shiver of disgust informed Sam that the doctor could still remember every detail of that hateful stranger she had saved back then.

"Well, until now, that was the worst mouth-to-mouth experience I ever heard of", she said with a soft voice. "I think yours beats mine, though."

A sad smile appeared on Sam's face as she realized why the redhead had shared this particular story. The humorous attempt succeeded in reaching out to the soldier, who appeared more alert than she had been in days.

"Yeah, it does", Samantha replied with a broken voice as she rose to sit on her bed.

Janet's heart missed a beat at the sound of her friend's voice. She gently stroked the blonde's hair again, unsure of what to say. The infirmary's silence became tensed as they stared at each other, eyes filled with concern and tenderness.

"Janet?", Sam asked, her eyes filling up with tears she tried to fight back. "I don't know what to do."

The doctor breathed down deeply as she flashed a sad smile towards her patient. She cleared her throat, pushing back her emotions to show her friend a strong support.

"When someone sacrifices themselves for you, I think you have to go on living", the redhead answered in a whisper, her thumb still brushing against the blonde curls in a slow motion.

"I guess I have to", Sam murmured, her eyes locked on the doctor's.

Silence filled the infirmary once again as both women took comfort in the synched rhythm of their breaths. The doctor sighed deeply, raising from the bed and offering her hand to her beautiful patient.

"Come on, let's go for a walk", she offered in a welcoming, but firm voice. "The commissary's empty at this hour and I heard rumors of blue Jell-O…", she added with a smile.

"Ah, a woman after my own heart", Sam replied as she grabbed Janet's hand and allowed her to guide her through the SGC's corridors. Between the cold concrete walls, the soldier closed her eyes as the doctor's arm encircled her waist, putting one foot before the other in a slow and perfect rhythm.


	10. Doctor's Orders

**Doctor's Orders**

_Set during the events of "Need". While on a mission, Daniel rescues a beautiful princess from committing suicide. As the rest of SG-1 is constrained to forced labor in the planet's mines, the princess seduces Daniel, enticing him with the power of the sarcophagus. During this episode, Carter has a vision of Jolinar's memories that warns her about the dangerous narcotic effects of such healing devices._

* * *

Samantha Carter never allowed her mind to find comfort in self-pity. She thought of herself as a fighter, and when difficulties piled up, it only meant she had to work harder. She had no time and energy to lose on petty frustrations, and maybe that was why she did not pester against Daniel's behavior like Colonel O'Neill did. Or maybe, as he had suggested, she simply trusted the archeologist too much. As her pick axe hit the rock hard, sending a shock throughout her right arm, she fought against her exhaustion to raise the tool once more.

Because Daniel continuously turned them down, Colonel O'Neill had rapidly lost faith in him, refusing to discuss with Carter what was actually going on with him. To forget the mixture of dust and sweat that now covered her skin completely and the sheer pain that ran in her muscles, she continuously entertained two trains of thoughts; Daniel's behavior, and the dream of resting comfortably in her home.

The fantasy was always present, even when she was awake. She thought about the warmth of clean sheets, soft rays of sunshine passing through blue curtains, a delicate and discrete cinnamon smell coming from inviting, cozy pillows. When she closed her eyes, she could almost feel how her feet would welcome the heat of the wood floor as she would walk barefoot, safe and sheltered, a cup of tea in her hand.

A horn rang, its loud noise echoing across the tunnels of the naquadah mine. Kids started distributing food and water as the workers sat down, their backs against the walls of rock they had spent their entire day trying to break. Although Sam didn't find it comforting, the dirty floor allowed her body some rest, under the cold, incessant supervision of the mine's guards. She grabbed one of the metal cups and drank its content, trying not to notice the dirt that floated in the warm liquid. A few drops ran down her arms, leaving trails on the dust and dried up sweat.

As it had now become SG-1's routine, they each received a small piece of bread that they rapidly devoured without a word. Forbidden to leave the compound, all miners prepared to sleep on the ground near their respective pits, closing their eyes and hoping that daytime would never come, even though their stomach ached so much it would not allow their bodies to lose consciousness.

Sam, Teal'c and O'Neill retrieved the jackets they had hidden during the work hours, to ensure that the other workers wouldn't steal them. They rolled each one into a ball, using them as pillows, the only bit of comfort they could find. Teal'c and Sam remained quiet as the Colonel slowly fell asleep across the tunnel, the Jaffa waiting for his leader to close his eyes before starting his Kel'no'reem while Sam desperately tried to find rest, her lungs filled with dust. As snores and cries occupied the silence of the mine, she closed her eyes and allowed herself some rest.

The few hours of sleep offered her a sanctuary; blue curtains dancing with a soft breeze, rays of sunshine peeking through the window. Warm pillows and clean sheets, a sweet cinnamon scent in the air. The heat of a wood floor under her bare feet and a hot cup of tea completed the scenery as she rested, secure.

* * *

As soon as they had travelled back to Earth, Sam knew she would never be able to gather the energy to drive home. Instead, she used the facility's showers, pestering against the cold water even as she reluctantly went through her post-mission exam, one eye on the clock, her stomach ache increasing every minute.

The blonde soldier's fork now drew circles and loops on her mashed potatoes as she stared at her steak. The constant noise of the SGC cafeteria – soldiers talking and laughing, clatter of utensils on cheap porcelain – surrounded her thoughts, a familiar setting in which she felt at ease. When she had entered the commissary, she had filled up her tray in haste, starving. Now that she was ready to eat, however, she gazed at her plate, ignoring the growling of her stomach, a strange nausea overcoming her senses.

"If I were you, I don't think I'd be able to hold back", Janet said with a smile as she took a seat in front of the blonde.

As Sam lifted her head to greet her friend, her eyes widened at the sight of the colorful food on her tray. Fresh cherry tomatoes lined on lettuce with black olives, pieces of cucumber, sliced red onions and crumbled feta cheese; the Greek salad was accompanied by a small bowl of fruits and two cups of herbal tea. The blonde gazed at the mix of berries and multicolored exotic fruits before sending another long glare towards her steak. Sam blamed her hunger for her poor choice of food as the redhead gently placed one of the tea cups in front of the blonde.

"Nothing like forced labor to create an appetite", the doctor suggested, although she noticed how the soldier hadn't eaten at all. At SG-1's post-mission exams, she had injected them with a vitamin concoction to help their digestive systems return to normal after so many days of starvation, but it wasn't supposed to affect their hunger; it seemed something else was wrong.

"Ah, yes, I'm hungry", Sam answered, holding the cup with her two hands, thankful as she took comfort in the warmth against her palms. "I just feel so nauseous."

"Your digestive system is still weak", Janet explained with a soft smile. "Why don't you start with something lighter?", she proposed, kindly offering her fruit salad.

Sam frowned, uncertain. She looked for a few seconds at the labyrinth she had created on her mashed potatoes, sickened to her stomach at the thought of eating anything she had put on her plate. The dark and stiff steak repulsed her even more than the sight of the grayish mud of potatoes that rested at its side.

"Doctor's orders", Janet added as she took Sam's plate, setting the steak aside and putting down her fruit salad in its place.

The blonde soldier smiled at the gesture, her fingers brushing slightly against Janet's hand as she grabbed the spoon the doctor gave her.

"You know, that 'Doctor's orders' thing? You can't use it all the time", Sam kidded as she started picking the fruits, her spoon moving around the pieces of strawberries, pineapple and kiwi to collect some green grapes.

"Alright, but you'll have to refrain from using your famous 'Don't sterilize my wound, I'm working on something important'", Janet cheerfully replied.

"Deal", Sam agreed with a wink, her blue eyes locking onto the redhead's. As they stared at each other, only a few seconds passed before the doctor's cheeks reddened, immediately rerouting Janet's look towards her meal.

"You won't last a week", the doctor taunted as she grabbed an olive and a small cube of feta cheese, hoping the soldier hadn't notice her embarrassment.

"And _you_", the soldier replied with a smile, "won't last a day."

As Sam slowly regained her appetite, she glanced at the woman in front of her. The red curls encircled her face beautifully as she ate with enthusiasm, often smiling and saluting officers that walked past their table. Sam knew most airmen adored their Chief Medical Officer; her gentle manners and her devotion to their health and well-being had created an important sense of loyalty towards her. As an authority figure of the SGC, she was always treated with respect, and was known to be able to bend the will of the most stubborn patients. Although she was appreciated amongst her coworkers, Sam wondered why so few of them could consider themselves as friends of Doctor Fraiser.

"I hear you are having visions", the doctor hinted with a soft voice, her eyes locked on her salad, carefully avoiding the intrusiveness of a direct question.

The sentence pulled Sam out of her reverie as she sighed, the thought of Jolinar's memories tiring her.

"It's more like… déjà vu. I don't know how to explain it", she described, uncertain. Something about those visions made her feel doubtful, as if she could not trust herself anymore. Every time she dreamt of something from Jolinar's past, she spent hours imagining she was called upon General Hammond's office, only to be ordered off the base and out of the SGC program. She could hear his severe voice in her head as he would tell her that she had been compromised. That was perhaps one of her biggest fears; to be compromised, forever contaminated with someone else's thoughts. She shivered.

"So, you were awake when it happened?", Janet insisted, even though she noticed how deeply troubled her friend seemed to be.

"Yes. It felt as…", the soldier sighed again, unable to find the correct words. "When you wake up, and the dream you had felt so real that you're convinced it actually happened."

"Except in this case, it did happen, but you weren't there", Janet completed Sam's thought.

"Yeah. It's very confusing", the soldier agreed, her voice rocking between frustration and curiosity towards her blending with the Tok'ra. Both challenged and troubled by Jolinar's memories, the blonde found herself frequently doubting her senses and her thoughts, growing more and more tired by her struggle each day.

"We'll figure it out", Janet answered with a comforting smile. "Now, eat your fruits", she playfully added as she brushed her thumb against Sam's hand in a tender gesture.

* * *

It wasn't until a few hours later that Sam finally reached her home. Locking the door behind her, she went straight to her bedroom and let herself fall on her bed, still in her work clothes. It was only when she turned her head to look out the window that she remembered the fantasy she had entertained while working in the mines; soft wind through blue curtains, sunshine and cinnamon, heat on a wood floor.

As she stared at the dark red fabric of her curtains, Sam realized the bedroom of her fantasy wasn't hers, but Janet's. The surprise of this revelation made her smile as she slowly fell asleep, safe.


	11. Your Girl

**Your Girl**

_Set during and after the events of "Message In A Bottle". SG-1 brings back an orb that Daniel Jackson believes to be a time capsule from an ancient civilization. As the device activates, it infects O'Neill, nailing him to a wall in the Stargate room. While Carter attempts to slow the virus' rapid growth throughout the base, Fraiser tries to keep everyone alive._

* * *

Some days, Janet Fraiser couldn't wait to get out of the SGC. In these times, the concrete walls seemed heavier, almost oppressive, and it felt like the air became dryer, as if the entire complex were unventilated. After twenty hours of constant work, the thought that a maximum security jail allowed more sunshine to its inmates crossed her mind. Of course, such claustrophobic feelings were to be expected under a Wild Fire directive.

Although she respected General Hammond's decision to order quarantine, effectively cutting the base from all access to the outside world, she had hoped he would've consented to allow a few supplies inside. She did not need much to ensure that all soldiers would survive this crisis, only a few more vials of Tetracycline and various supplements to find a way to fight the infection in Lt Simmons. When the General refused, she hid her discontent and her anger quite well, under the circumstances. However, it seemed her fear was becoming harder to hide every minute. Although the treatment hadn't provoked allergic reactions to other soldiers, she knew it was only a matter of time until someone else became infected to the point where she would be, as in Lt Simmons' case, helpless.

As those people risked their lives every day on the other side of the 'Gate, Janet had always thought of her infirmary as a haven, a place where they could feel protected, secure. The possibility of witnessing a young man's death here, in one of her hospital beds, angered her the most, especially knowing that she could find a better cure for him – and for them all – if only a few crates were allowed inside. But she could not bend General Hammond's will, and she knew he was right. If this infection reached the outside world, the consequences would be disastrous.

A small whimper rose from one of the infirmary beds, pulling Fraiser out of her frightening thoughts. As she crossed the empty space between her office and her patient, she realized he had awoken earlier than expected. She sighed, knowing the painkillers weren't effective enough; Graham simply couldn't rest more than an hour at a time. As she reached his bedside, she noticed how paler his skin had become. Hiding her anxiety, she brushed her thumb against his hair, the high temperature of his forehead warning her about the rapid increase of his fever.

"How's the pain?", she asked in a soft voice, refusing to give him any clue regarding her state of mind. She hated herself for the thought that crossed her mind: that she would not be able to save him in time.

"It's not too bad", he pretended, but Janet knew too well what kind of pain he was in.

"Well, I'm going to give you something for it anyway", she said, glad that her voice did not betray her panic.

The doctor left his bedside to search for a nurse who would give him his treatment. She didn't want to remain with him for too long, afraid that her despair would eventually show.

"Hey", he said, pulling her back to his side. "If you see Captain Carter…", the lieutenant started saying with a weak voice.

Janet smiled. She had noticed a few weeks ago how the young man acted around Sam. He would stare at her with a soft gaze when she wasn't looking; he would become unusually stressed when she talked to him. Sweaty palms, increased heartbeat and dilated pupils, the redhead had guessed. She hadn't said a word about it to him or to Sam. Until now, she had been wondering if she hadn't been projecting her own feelings on the lieutenant's behavior.

"Tell you what Lieutenant", she answered with a kind smile and a soft voice. "She has to come down in a couple of hours for her booster so, I'll make sure I send her over."

He did not respond to the doctor's offer as he turned away, resting his right cheek against his pillow. The doctor worried that her kindness may have indicated how much she was worried about his current condition. She left him to rest and sighed; if she was on her deathbed, she too would ask to see the beautiful face of Captain Carter one last time.

* * *

Samantha walked in the infirmary with a fast pace, eager to return to work. She sat on one of the hospital beds, waiting for one of the nurses to give her an injection of Tetracycline. She stretched her neck, trying to relieve the pressure she had felt for the last hours. The blonde smiled when Janet walked up to her bed with a vial and a syringe. Of all medical personnel on base, she always preferred the redhead, even before they had become friends.

"Hey", Janet whispered, placing her empty hand on Sam's lap, the warmth of her palm gently heating the blonde's skin through the fabric of her uniform pants.

"Hey", Sam replied as she rested her left hand on Janet's, stroking her skin with her thumb.

As Sam sighed, releasing some of her anxiety in the comfort of Janet's silence, the doctor started rolling up the blonde's right sleeve. The captain smiled at the gesture, rapidly replacing Janet's hands with her own. When she was finished, the redhead brushed her thumb against Sam's shoulder before she sterilized the injection site. Goose bumps covered Sam's skin as she became colder; Janet blamed exhaustion. Her tender bedside manners helped Sam relax as she filled the syringe with the Tetracycline concoction. As she injected the treatment into the blonde's shoulder, the doctor spoke with fake enthusiasm.

"Your idea seems to be working", Janet said, although she knew they were far from understanding the organism that kept spreading throughout the base.

"Yeah, seems to have slowed the progress of the organism by 90%", Sam replied, emotionless. Janet continued to hide her anxiety from her patient.

"Well, don't jump up and down now or you'll get my other patients all excited", she joked, pulling down Sam's sleeve.

They shared a short smile before Sam's face contracted with stress.

"Even in a completely anaerobic environment, the organism just goes dormant. All we've done is buy ourselves some time before…" she lost her voice. Rarely had she been so uncertain about the future of her planet. "I've got to get back to work."

"Well, before you do, if you wouldn't mind stopping by to see Simmons", Janet asked in a low voice, fighting her thoughts to keep her tone straight.

"How's he doing?"

As they shared a look, Sam instantly understood why Janet faked enthusiasm and how, like herself, the redhead was slipping. She restrained herself from comforting the doctor, knowing they had to focus on their task. Instead, she walked to Graham's bed, hoping the gesture would help him find the strength to fight off the infection.

* * *

When General Hammond asked them to get some rest, SG-1 refused to stand down until they had brought the colonel in the infirmary. As Doctor Fraiser prepared the IV's, Teal'c and Carter remained at O'Neill's bedside, silently contemplating the thought that their beloved leader had once again survived. When the redhead completed her work, she retreated in her office, sending a smile their way before she welcomed the possibility of going home.

Now that she was assured her commanding officer was safe, the blonde followed her friend to her office. She didn't know what made her feel at peace; knowing the crisis was over, that the Wild Fire directive was terminated or that she could allow herself a short moment alone with the doctor. As they had worked for thirty hours straight, she had often felt an urge to confide in her friend, to stay at her side.

"Are you okay?", the blonde asked as she closed the door behind her.

The redhead turned around, surprised. She smiled before running her hand through her red curls, obviously exhausted. The gesture sent a bolt of electricity across Sam's stomach. She ignored the tension that increased inside her as the doctor spoke.

"Yeah", the doctor sighed. "Are we already Tuesday morning?

Sam noticed how the fatigue seemed to lower Janet's voice. She surprised herself as she wondered if Janet sounded like after an orgasm. Images of the redhead, naked under the warm sheets of her bed, invaded her mind. She pushed the thought aside as she pursued the conversation.

"I'm afraid so", the soldier replied with an awkward smile.

The doctor sighed again, obviously bothered by something.

"Is that bad news?", the blonde inquired, noticing how Fraiser's fatigue now seemed to be replaced by a strange anxiety.

"It depends", the redhead quickly replied, looking at Sam with glowing eyes. "Are you busy tonight?"

The blonde felt her pulse beating irregularly, as if her heart tried to make its way out of her chest. She cursed the physical reactions of her attraction, hoping the doctor hadn't notice her trouble.

"No… do you have something in mind?", Sam answered, her knees weakening as Janet's smile widened.

"A date", Janet spoke with enthusiasm.

Sam's vital signs went off the chart as she pondered the offer. Only a few seconds passed, but it seemed to the soldier as an eternity before Janet rectified:

"I mean, I have a date."

"Oh", Sam answered with a mixture of jealousy and disappointment that she tried to hide. "Ok..?"

"I need someone to babysit Cassie… My sister's out of town this week", Janet explained, uncomfortable. Suddenly, it didn't seem like such a good idea to ask Sam. As she noticed her friend's trouble, she thought for a second that Sam had hoped she was asking her out. She pushed aside that possibility, thinking her fatigue must've been playing tricks on her.

"Alright, you know I'm your girl", the soldier replied with an intense voice. She did not mean it to sound so deep. "I mean, for the night…"

The doctor smiled at the innuendo.

"You know what I mean."

* * *

"So, how was your date?", Sam asked Janet as she took a seat at the commissary's table with the rest of SG-1.

"Oh, Doctor Fraiser got a date! Congratulations on being the first of us to actually have a life", Daniel said with a smile before taking another bite off his lasagna.

"I go fishing", Jack loudly intervened with a serious tone. As others stared at him, he justified himself briefly: "I just think you should know that some of us already have a life."

The colonel turned his attention back to his soup. Janet smiled as she remembered how close they had been to losing him. Although he was a difficult patient and sometimes, an annoying man, she could only feel respect and affection for O'Neill. He had seen so much destruction and violence, and lived through the unbearable pain of losing a child; it seemed only normal that his sense of humor was often out-of-context, inappropriate, misunderstood.

"With who?", Daniel asked, ignoring Jack's comment as usual.

"With whom.", the colonel corrected, sipping the soup in his spoon loudly.

Janet always pictured those two as bickering old men, sitting on a porch and arguing about everything. Their friendship seemed more based on their differences than their common interests, and although it often caused tension amongst the group, it also brought them closer.

"A nurse from the Air Force Hospital", Janet quickly answered before turning her attention back to Sam. "I had a great time, but I don't think it'll develop into anything."

"If you enjoyed that person's company, wouldn't it be wise to see them again, Doctor Fraiser?", Teal'c spoke with his usual serious voice. Janet loved how he always tried to involve himself in conversations, even when the subject did not truly matter to him. Although his first attempts at small talk had been rather awkward, the group now felt incomplete without him.

"Dating coworkers… not a good idea", Janet said, her gaze inadvertently locking onto Sam. As their eyes crossed for a few seconds, the blonde woman quickly looked away, uncomfortable.

"Come on, you are at that hospital, what, a day every two weeks?", Daniel argued.

"Still, we work together", the doctor replied, relieved that nobody had noticed the discomfort Sam and she seemed to share.

"Yeah but that doesn't really count", Daniel continued. "I mean, if the date went well, why not take the risk?"

"Because it would be a bad idea?", Janet politely answered, growing more and more tired by the conversation.

"How would you know that if you hadn't try?", the archeologist passionately insisted once again.

"Daniel, I'm sure if the girl was worth it, Janet would see her again", Sam interrupted him.

Silence reigned on the table for a few seconds as the pronouns sank in. Janet felt her cheeks reddening and she cursed herself for the feelings of surprise and fear that filled her with every coming out she had to do. When she had come out to her parents, she had thought it would be the end of it, but rapidly found out that the world didn't work that way. Every new job, every new friend, and she had to go through it again. She pushed aside her fear of rejection, trying to act as if her sexual orientation had always been common knowledge amongst the group.

"Well, thank you for the advice", she answered Daniel with a smile, gracefully hoping he would pursue the conversation.

"How come nobody takes an interest in my personal life?", Jack asked, raising his head above his now empty bowl of soup.

"Because you don't have one", Daniel replied, glad that the colonel had broken the awkward silence.

"I go fishing!", he insisted, instantly bringing the conversation back to a cheerful state.

"Yes, in a pond with no fish", Sam argued with a smile before sending a look towards the doctor. Janet avoided her eyes as she started eating, obviously retreating from the group's chat.

Culpability overcame the blonde as the members of SG-1 left, one after the other. When she was left alone with Sam, Janet raised her head and spoke with a serious tone.

"Don't apologize. It's not some dark secret; I would've told them eventually", she spoke, but the sadness in her eyes betrayed her.

"I'm sorry anyway", Sam replied, reaching for the doctor's hand with her own. "It should've been on your own terms."

"Yes, it should've", the redhead answered as she rose from her chair. There was no anger, no frustration in her tone; only a deep sense of loneliness and tiredness.

Janet quit the commissary without a second look, leaving a sad and troubled blonde behind.


	12. Unannounced

**Unannounced**

_Set immediately after the events of "Secrets". Carter and O'Neill travel to Washington to receive an Air Force Medal for their heroic actions and discover that General Hammond has invited Jacob Carter to the ceremony. Sam and her father get into an argument regarding her future before he reveals that he has cancer (lymphoma)._

* * *

"Sam", the redhead spoke her name with surprise. "I didn't know you'd be back so fast."

Arms crossed, the blonde shivered slightly in the night's cold wind, under the house's pale porch light. Janet moved aside to invite her friend in, her head rapidly filling up with questions. She knew Sam was supposed to be in Washington to receive an Air Force medal; even though the ceremony was probably over, the usual afterward cocktails were most likely still being served. There was no reason why the blonde would be here, at eleven pm in her blue dress uniform, unless something was terribly wrong.

"Yeah, I just got out of briefing and I… thought I'd pay you a visit."

As comforting as the house's heat was, Sam's anxiety rapidly grew when she heard unknown voices coming from the kitchen. She suddenly felt ridiculous in her uniform, and almost rushed through the door to get back outside. She realized she had not thought it through: in her mind, she would've knocked on Janet's door, the redhead would've welcomed her inside and then… And then. She pushed away the images that came after that as her friend closed the door and turned to face her, meeting with the blonde's interrogative face.

"My sister, her boyfriend and their son are here", she said, still wondering why Sam had dropped by unannounced, so late in the night. The sad blue eyes warned her that it wasn't a good idea to interrogate her right now.

"Maybe this is a bad time... I should go", the soldier whispered, sending a quick look towards the back of the house, where a brunette emerged.

"Janet, who's your friend?", Kathy asked as she made her way through the corridor, smiling, extending her hand to meet the stranger.

The redhead quickly introduced her family to Sam, all the while trying to avoid her sister's intense gaze. She knew Kathy was struggling to refrain herself from asking the hundred questions that rushed in her mind right now. All those family dinners, all those phone calls, and Janet had never mentioned having a friend in town, not even a hint. Kathy had ended up thinking that this "Sam" Cassandra kept talking about was simply an imaginary friend she had invented to cope with her new family.

Janet gently pulled Sam towards the kitchen, explaining that Cassie and Oliver were outside in the yard, playing. She insisted that her daughter would never forgive her if the blonde didn't take a few minutes to see her.

"Well, I didn't want to interrupt–", the blonde maintained as she gazed at the table where half-empty glasses of wine indicated Janet's visit had been there for quite a while.

"Nonsense", Kathy cut her off as she sat down. "A Fraiser's home is always open."

Sam reluctantly agreed to stay before she joined the children outside, promising to come back in a few minutes. The doctor's sister almost burst into joy and excitation when the soldier closed the door behind her, leaving Janet alone with her and Matt.

"When where you going to tell us you had someone in your life?", the brunette asked with a grin.

"There's nothing to tell", Janet answered, her eyes still on the door. Although she worried about Sam, she felt everything would be alright when she looked at the blonde, holding Cassie in her arms as though she hadn't seen her in ages. Whatever happened in Washington, her daughter's unconditional love for the blonde would help her get back on her feet. "She's just a colleague."

"Doesn't look like a colleague to me", Kathy replied, sharing a suspicious look with Matt. The doctor knew that look too well; they would not believe a word she would say about her relationship with Sam.

"Fine. She's a friend." Janet sighed.

"A friend who just happens to drop by in the middle of the night?"

"It's not the middle of the night and she just got out of the plane…", Janet quickly answered, realizing too late how ridiculous her argument sounded. Her sister laughed cheerfully.

"And she just happens to be a very sexy blonde", Matt added with a wink. As he met with his girlfriend's jealous eyes, he immediately lost his confidence, babbling; "Well, you know, not that I… I don't find her attractive. I mean, she is attractive, she looks great, she looks…"

As he spoke, his stare met with Janet's, and the intensity of her look embarrassed him even more.

"Fine, she looks fine", Matt quickly said. "You know I wouldn't… I just wanted to point out that… I should stop talking."

The sisters both nodded, still pretending to be angry, secretly enjoying Matt's discomfort.

"I love you?", Matt whispered hesitantly, his soft voice greeted by Kathy's lips on his cheek.

The backdoor opened once more, allowing Sam inside. As she shivered again, Janet rested her hand on her shoulder in a comforting and welcoming gesture. Kathy sent another look to her sister as Sam sat down at the table, uncertain of what to say.

"Janet tells us you two work together?", Kathy asked skeptically.

"Yes", the blonde politely replied. "Well, we work at the same base, but not together exactly."

"Sam is an astrophysicist", Janet explained as she poured a glass of wine and offered it to Sam. "She studies deep space radar telemetry."

"Oh, ok", Kathy replied before taking another sip of her glass.

"We have no idea what that means, but it sounds great." Matt said. As his eyes crossed Kathy's again, he added; "Fine. It sounds fine."

"And you are just arriving from a trip?", the brunette asked.

"Yes, from Washington."

"Well you must be hungry. Travelling always makes me hungry. Are you hungry?", Kathy inquired, ready to raise from her seat at any seconds.

"I'm ok. Thank you", the blonde replied with a shy smile, finding the interrogation rather distracting.

"I swear, they usually behave like normal human beings. They're just a bit stressed out around strangers", Janet explained with a caring smile, her eyes locked onto the blonde soldier's. Sam smiled back, finding comfort in the redhead's kindness.

"We're just happy to meet Janet's girlfriend", Kathy spoke clearly, a bit louder than her usual tone. Her sentence was greeted with a flash of exasperation from her sister.

"Kathy, she's not my girlfriend", Janet repeated herself.

"She's a girl, and she's your friend; she's your girlfriend. That's what I meant." Kathy answered with a devilish smile. "Besides, you know I prefer to use the term 'partner'."

"I hate 'partner'; it sounds like a cop movie. 'Got your back, partner'", Janet protested, glad to change the subject.

"I use 'lover'", Mark added, his eyes turning towards Sam, as if to welcome her into the conversation.

"Yeah, me too. Although it does sound a bit cheesy. 'Companion'?", Sam suggested before retracting herself instantly. "Um, no. I'll take 'girlfriend' over 'companion' any day."

"Hm-mm. But 'companion' beats 'partner'", Janet gently added.

"Definitely" Sam agreed, raising her glass of wine towards the doctor. As her lips met with the dark red wine, her blue eyes rested in Janet's, as if to thank her for the candid moment they were sharing. Somehow, even though she had met Matt and Kathy only a few minutes ago, they already felt like family.

"Ok then, let's settle this once and for all", Matt spoke with a playful yet serious tone. "Who votes for 'girlfriend'?"

Only Janet raised her hand, to Sam's laugh. The doctor protested with a charming pout.

"Alright, your vote has been counted. 'Partner'?"

Kathy alone raised her arm this time, sending a look of fake anger and betrayal towards her boyfriend, dramatically raising her fist as if she cursed an unknown God for her despair.

"What about 'lover'?"

Matt and Sam both raised their hands, smiling.

"Ah, 'lover' wins! Finally, after so many years of struggle, the Fraiser sisters are defeated!", Matt said as he jumped up victoriously before kissing the brunette.

"Well, I think I am going to mourn my defeat at home, honey. Could you get the kids?"

As Matt left to get Cassandra and Oliver, Janet explained that both kids were going to sleep over at her sister's house because it was Oliver's birthday and that Cassie had became one of his favorite friends. Sam kept quiet as the family picked up their belongings and put on their shoes, the sleepy children lazily protesting to stay.

When Janet finally closed the door behind her, she felt it was now a completely new Carter that patiently waited in her hallway, her tired body leaning on the wall, eyes closed. The doctor took a second to stare at the blonde, noticing the shivers that ran through her and her evident lack of energy and spirit. For once, she decided not to refrain herself: she walked the distance between them with confidence, and encircled Sam's waist with her arms. As the blonde's head rested on her shoulder, Janet strengthened her hold on the soldier, her heart crushing as Sam's sobs rocked both of them.

* * *

"It's bad, isn't it?", Sam asked, her eyes filled with tears.

In Janet's darkened living room, the two silhouettes sat close on the couch, only illuminated by the street lights that came through the window. Sam had insisted to leave the lights off; ever since she was little, she had refused to cry in front of others. It wasn't that she considered it a weakness or a shameful act; it only seemed to her like crying was something private, intimate. To ensure her self-control in the drive back from Washington, she had kept her eyes on the road, avoiding conversations. Somehow, she was glad that Colonel O'Neill had so much on his mind: he would've noticed her sadness if he hadn't been, and she didn't want to talk about her father's condition with him.

For hours, she had thought only of this moment: how Janet's words would soothe her, how she would reassure her. Irrationally, she felt like Doctor Fraiser could save her father. Because she had brought SG-1 and others back to health so many times, Sam's mind refused to think there were some diseases against which the redhead's cures had no effect.

"I can't really tell…", Janet started saying, feeling she could not allow herself to create false hopes in the soldier's mind. "Although chemo's come a long way in the last ten years… it's still not an easy fight."

The blonde nodded, her eyes locked on her trembling hands. Of course, she knew it would not be easy. Her father was sick, and there weren't a lot of chances that he would survive this one. She sighed when an image of herself, as a child, crossed her mind. How many times had she thought her father would not be back from the service? How many days had she spent, locked in her room, convinced she was an orphan, so sure she would never see the old man again. And every time, he would come back. Every time, he would have a gift – a ridiculous doll, a telescope, a science kit for kids. Books, CDs, dresses. And then he would take Sam and her brother out for ice cream, as if nothing had happened. As if Sam's reddened eyes were an allergic reaction to the babysitter's cat.

"A good mental state really helps", the redhead added as she put her arm around Sam's shoulder, pulling her closer. "How was he?"

The blonde stared at her cup of wine, remaining silent; the image of herself, as a child, haunted her. Her hair brushed against Janet's cheek as she drank, quickly emptying her glass.

"Sam?", the doctor spoke with a quiet voice, feeling there was something else the soldier wanted to talk about.

"He… called Bollinger. Talked him into taking me in", Sam confessed, avoiding her friend's look.

"Bollinger? As in NASA?"

"He says he wants to see me achieve my dreams before –" Sam's voice lost its track as she fought back her tears.

No matter how older and more mature she thought she was, deep inside her, there was a little girl frightened at the thought of losing her daddy. She wanted to reason with herself, to deal with the situation intellectually. She felt anger rising inside her as she refrained from screaming at the doctor for charts, statistics, anything that would make her understand her dad's sickness. Surely, there was something Janet could find, some way to save him, and she only stood there, comforting Sam as if she were worth it. Worth coming home to. Another wave of tears made its way to her eyes as the words sank in her mind.

Worth coming home to.

"Sam, it is very possible to survive lymphoma", Janet whispered, her lips against Sam's hair.

"And if he doesn't, then what? He dies without knowing that I did it? That I achieved my dream?"

"He wants you to be happy, and you are. That'll be enough for him", the redhead suggested.

"Nothing is ever enough for him. Nothing I do anyway."

Sam hated herself for the many feelings that crossed her mind at that moment. Anger towards her father, the one that was never there, who put his career before his family, even after her mother's death. Despair at the thought of losing him, the one who had believed in her since she was five, who had taught her to keep her head high, who had inspired her to wear the uniform. Helpless against the order of secrecy, knowing that even in his last moments, she would never be allowed to tell him what she was actually doing at Cheyenne Mountain.

"I know the feeling", Janet answered softly. As she looked at her friend's empty glass, she decided to ask her the question that had been burning her lips ever since Sam had crossed the threshold of her home. "Do you want to sleep here tonight?"

"I should go home", Sam replied with a distant voice as her hands wiped the tears that had ran down her cheeks.

"You've had too much wine", the doctor insisted as she stood up, one of her hands reaching for Sam's.

"Not that much, I could drive", the blonde answered. She grabbed the redhead's hand and raised from the couch, her body slightly brushing against her friend's along the way.

"I really don't like that. Stay here", Janet whispered, smiling. "I'll make you pancakes tomorrow."

The tempting offer warmed up the blonde's heart as she shyly agreed. She slowly followed Janet to her bedroom, obeying silently as the redhead gave her an old t-shirt and pyjama pants. Both women quickly put the clothes on with their backs turned before they slipped under the sheets. As the redhead rapidly fell asleep, Sam's sleepy voice spoke:

"Janet? I love you."

The doctor smiled as her hand brushed against Sam's.

"Ok, you're definitely drunk."

* * *

Author's note: I just wanted to thank Gatehead for your comment. I am glad you shared that story with us, because I'm trying really hard to add realism to Janet and Sam's relationship. I think what happened with your ex-girlfriend is really sad, and it is something that happens a lot amongst lesbians (and other same-sex couples). Fortunately, in Janet's case, I think she is confident enough in her identity to let this one slide (but I'm not promising anything). Plus, she's the CMO; she can date whoever she wants! ;)


	13. Subconscious Mind

**Subconscious Mind**

_Set during the events of "Bane". Teal'c gets infected by the sting of an alien insect and the venom slowly modifies his DNA. As the NID seizes control of his care, the Jaffa escapes, leaving his Goa'uld parasite behind. While SG-1 searches for him, Janet tries to keep the symbiote alive. At one point, Sam also suggests she might be able to retrieve information on Goa'uld biochemistry to help the doctor, if she could access Jolinar's memory._

* * *

"Well, since Jolinar's memories are most likely connected to your subconscious… I think hypnosis, meditation and sleep are pretty much the only options we have", Janet explained as she closed the door to Sam's quarters, refraining her eyes to wander on every detail of the room.

Sam walked straight to her bed and sat on its edge, nervous. She had never invited the doctor in her room. Ever since she had become friends with the redhead, she had grown more and more embarrassed with the lack of personality behind her furniture choices. At home, everything was efficiently chosen, but nothing indicated that someone actually lived there. When she had entered Janet's house for the first time, it had immediately felt welcoming and warm, and every time the blonde came home, she was saddened by her own inability to invest her environment that way.

Of course, Sam spent so many hours at work; she barely had time to think about such things. However, when Janet came by, the crudeness of the place seemed even more intense, and she wished she could be more welcoming. Now, in her base quarters, she felt this frustration even more intensely as she tried to focus on the task at hand.

"I'd like to avoid being hypnotized again", the blonde spoke, remembering how painful the experience had been the previous year. When they had been brainwashed to believe that Daniel was dead, she had to undergo hypnosis to understand what had happened to them. The trauma she had felt then – the weakness in her muscles, the fear in her stomach and the coldness of it all – it was something she could not live a second time.

"Ok. Meditation it is?", the doctor suggested with a compassionate smile as she reminisced the soldier's pain and distress at Daniel's memorial. She had felt, then, a strong connection with the captain; one that had only deepened since that day.

"Yep", Sam quickly replied as she climbed and sat down on her bed in the lotus position, Janet rapidly joining her, sitting in front of her with a slight frown.

"Have you ever meditated before?", the redhead asked, fighting against her own doubts and reservations about trying to trigger Jolinar's memories. When Sam had suggested it, she had refused right away, but as the symbiote grew weaker every hour, she knew she had to encourage the blonde as much as she could. Often, thinking outside the box led to the solution, in her line of work. Who was she to reject Sam's idea?

"No, not really…", San answered with a slight hesitation. "But it shouldn't be too hard, right?"

"Right…", Janet repeated, still trying to hide her uncertainties. "Ok, I think you have to… breathe deeply. And try to focus your thoughts"

"I'm trying", Sam said, her eyes already closed. As she rested her hands against her knees, all her thoughts focused on the doctor's presence inside her room, on her bed. She kept thinking the redhead was going to grab her hands, or that, were she to open her eyelids, she would see Janet leaning in for a kiss. Above all, she felt helpless against the images that rushed through her mind, as if she could not control the tides of her desires. Her imagination was definitely winning the battle, she thought as she sighed.

"Just relax, Sam", Janet spoke, her tender voice trying to soothe the soldier's conflicted mind.

"I'm trying!", the blonde quickly answered, frustrated against herself and with the redhead's presence. Hearing her voice had only provoked another tsunami of estranged feelings as her mind had started to wonder if Janet spoke when she had sex.

"I know you're trying", Janet replied softly. "Would you rather do this by yourself?"

"Not really", Sam answered like a child being punished. She knew Janet's presence was only a distraction, and she wouldn't be able to achieve something with her in the room, but she didn't want to be alone. The thought of reaching Jolinar's memories scared her, as she could not know what would happen if she succeeded. Of course, the fear was irrational, she reasoned. "I guess I should, though"

"Ok", the doctor agreed, laying one hand on the soldier's leg before standing up. "I'll be in the infirmary, if you need me"

As Janet left, closing the door behind her, she left behind a troubled Sam who tried, once again, to reach memories that had never been hers.

* * *

A delicate breeze ran through Sam's hair as the sun slowly came up across the river. Underneath the fabric of her dress, the cold bench slowly warmed up while she gazed at the sky, listening to the delicate sound of the wind through the tree's leaves. She refused to look around, focusing her stare towards the water and wondering why she did not hear the waves crashing on the shore.

A warm breath rolled down her neck as she heard a soft moan. Lips brushed against her skin, sending shivers throughout her body. Slowly, Sam turned her head towards the other woman, smiling as her fingers embraced the red curls of hair. Janet lifted her face at the touch, her eyes locking onto the blonde's as she slipped her left hand under Sam's dress, firmly gripping her thigh.

Sam gasped at the intrusive touch, only relaxing when Janet's warm voice comforted her.

"Shhh… no one's here", she whispered before she leaned in. Her warm lips embraced the blonde's in a soft motion. As Janet's tongue explored Sam's mouth passionately, she ran her hand up and down the soldier's thigh, only stopping for a few seconds to tease her, pushing her thumb against the fabric of her underwear. The blonde backed away from the kiss and stared at the river again.

"Hurry up, they're coming", Sam spoke as she noticed a small embarkation floating nearby. The waves rocked an empty boat near the shore, and the blonde wondered if it was an invitation or an omen. When she turned to look at Janet again, the redhead was peacefully sleeping beside her.

"Janet, wake up", Sam tried to whisper, but no sound came out of her mouth.

A movement on her right startled her, but it seemed it was only the wind rushing through the autumn leaves.

When she turned around, Sam noticed the redhead now stood up behind the bench, holding her hand out. Plunging her hand into Janet's, she followed her towards the house. She quickly recognized the building; every summer her mother's family would reconvene there. As she remembered the playful fighting between cousins, the long hours spent swimming in the river, she wondered why they had never returned there after her mom's death. She had never seen those cousins, those aunts and uncles after the funeral; it was as if one half of her life had vanished entirely.

She walked up the path with those images in mind as Janet continuously turned around, smiling kindly, as if she was afraid Sam would not follow her.

As the redhead opened the back door, they entered inside a small bedroom with turquoise walls, where images of planes and a map of Earth hanged silently over a child's bed.

"Turn around", the redhead ordered, and the blonde immediately complied. The zipper of her dress rapidly ran all the way down, leaving her back exposed. She felt Janet's fingers tracing a soft line along her spine before they reached her shoulders, pushing the fabric off her and letting it fall on the floor.

In her bra and panties, Sam turned around to look at the redhead who was smiling, still entirely dressed. As the blonde reached towards the doctor's blouse, Janet backed away and crossed her arms, waiting for Sam to obey an order she hadn't given yet.

The blonde felt an incomprehensible urge to lie down on the bed behind her, and as she did, her hand immediately reached for her panties. Slipping her fingers under the fabric, she teased herself lightly, feeling Janet's warm stare on her. She moaned as her palm brushed against her engorged clit, the wetness of her cunt welcoming the touch.

"Join me", Sam begged as Janet moved closer to the bed, sitting on its end.

The blonde gasped as she entered a finger in herself. Janet's hand quickly grabbed her arm, pulling her hand out of her underwear before pinning her down on the bed. The redhead's body covered Sam as her tongue caressed the blonde's neck, running down the skin towards her bare breast.

As her mouth reached Sam's tit, sucking on it, Janet's hand continued the circling motions Sam's hand had started, gently caressing Sam's labia. Two fingers rapidly penetrated her, and the blonde left her head fall backwards, a warm pillow welcoming her as the pleasure rushed through her muscles.

"Faster Janet", she ordered between two moans, her hands desperately trying to hold on the mattress underneath her as the redhead's tongue continued its way down her body, rapidly reaching her clitoris. She screamed in pleasure, spreading her legs to allow a greater liberty of movements for Janet.

"Don't stop", she begged as she reached the threshold.

Three knocks on the door disrupted the dream as Sam tried to catch her breath.

"Captain? Your father is on the phone", a soldier explained through the door.

"Alright, I'll be there in a minute, airman", she replied, still overwhelmed by images of her dream. She looked around and sighed, struggling against the desire to return to sleep and the awkwardness that filled her excited body. She felt her blood rushing in her veins as she slowly sat up, her mind trying to regain focus as she urged herself to forget about her fantasy.

* * *

Empty wine bottles rested silently between the glasses and dirty dishes on Janet's kitchen table. Night had rapidly fallen outside, but inside the house, the living room remained illuminated, resonating with every laugh Colonel O'Neill provoked. Although Cassandra had already gone to bed, the soldiers and the doctor continued their joyful conversations, every so often reminding themselves to be quieter to allow the child some rest.

When General Hammond had agreed to let Teal'c out of the base for a few hours, Janet had immediately requested that he be allowed to take his entire day. It had been weeks since the last time SG-1 had come to visit Cassie, and she was starting to miss them. Although she often talked about her daughter's feelings towards them, when it came to SG-1, the doctor knew she also had a soft spot for the base's leading team. They now seemed to her like a second family. A loud and hectic family, Janet thought as she joined them in the living room, another glass of red wine in her hand.

"So, doc, what do you think of Mary Steenburgen? Sexy or what?", Jack asked, raising his beer bottle as if they had always been drinking buddies.

"Jack…", Daniel intervened, as if the colonel had said something he shouldn't have. Ever since Sam's pronoun slip, they hadn't talked about the doctor's sexual orientation and they had avoided any talk about their personal lives. The archeologist was more comfortable with a slower approach on things, with letting others come forward instead of rushing conversations like Jack often did. Of course, it was only one amongst many divergences of opinions between the two men.

"What? I'm not gonna pretend she doesn't like women, that's the one thing we have in common!", Jack insisted before winking to Janet, raising his beer once more. "So? Steenburgen?"

"She's… cute", Janet answered, smiling. Although the question had made her nervous at first, she thought it was the right time to let everyone understand that she had nothing to hide. Her sexual orientation had never been a dark secret, and many of her coworkers already knew. Somehow, she was glad that the colonel had turned the subject into a light and funny conversation, instead of having to go through another long speech about her personal life and how her orientation was only a part of her personality.

"She's not 'cute'; she's gorgeous", the colonel argued, looking at Daniel and Teal'c as if they had to take his side on the matter.

"I don't know. I mostly have a thing for blondes.", the doctor quickly replied, her cheeks immediately reddening. She sent a quick look towards Sam, who looked as embarrassed as she was. She pretended she hadn't noticed anything, but the glimpse had made her curious. She wondered if the wine was impairing her judgment as she became more and more convinced that she had seen desire in the blue orbs of the blonde soldier.

"Hm, blondes. Not my type", O'Neill replied, immediately taking down a third of his beer. He, too, had noticed something going on between the doctor and Sam. He decided to ignore it as he pursued the conversation. "What about you, Daniel?"

"I only have eyes for my wife", the archeologist answered, his eyes staring at the floor. Often, alcohol increased Jackson's distress with his spouse's situation, and that was usually the sign that the evening was coming to an end.

"So do I, Daniel Jackson" Teal'c added with his usual serious and deep voice. "But I have learned that finding beauty amongst other women is neither a flaw, nor a curse."

"Amen", O'Neill replied before drinking the rest of his beer. "Who's up for another one?"

"I am", Sam quickly answered, an empty bottle in one hand as she gestured towards the kitchen. "I'll get one for you too, sir"

"Ah, yes. 'Sir'. Go get 'em, captain", he spoke loudly. Only Janet seemed to notice the sadness behind his words. She knew the feeling well; it was the same melancholy that filled her heart every time, at the base, Sam would call her 'Doctor Fraiser'. She had only respect for the soldier's professionalism, but the use of her title always inserted a distance between them, one she had trouble to cope with.

Janet smiled as she listened to Sam's footsteps in her kitchen, taking comfort in knowing that the blonde felt at home here, in her house, by her side.


	14. Where It All Starts

**Where It All Starts**

_Set after the events of "The Tok'ra". In a dream, Captain Carter sees a gate address that leads to a Tok'ra hideout. SG-1 travels to the planet, seeking out an alliance with them. There, they learn that Selmak, an important leader amongst them, urgently needs a human host. After many deliberations, Carter suggests her father, who is dying. During the events of the episode, the Captain also gets the chance to meet Martouf, Jolinar's mate._

* * *

As her feet landed loudly on the treadmill, Captain Carter focused on her breath, her eyes staring blatantly out the window. She loved how, on the higher level of the gym, all she could see was the top of the trees, slowly waving in the wind. Cheyenne Mountain stood tall against the horizon, far ahead, dominating the landscape as it had been governing her life for two years now.

She did not know why she had always refused to train at her workplace. Perhaps, it was because she did not want to prove anything to the other soldiers; those who stared at her from across the room, desperately waiting for her to make a mistake, for her to fail. Early in her career, she had decided it was better for her to exercise somewhere else, in a local gym where she would be anonymous: just another woman, running on a treadmill. In those few hours she spent there every week, she could think only of herself. She could avoid small talk, completely ignore the world around her and just focus on her training.

Her muscles tightened as she unwillingly recalled the events of the past few days. It seemed during those seventy-two hours, a lifetime of experiences had washed down on her. She could still feel the weight of it all as she closed her eyes, slowing down, her run progressively turning into a fast-paced walk.

Somehow, it all started with Janet.

Lately, the redhead had spent most of her free time with Sam, helping her with the aftermath of Jolinar's invasion of her mind. The captain's sleep, in the last few weeks, had been interrupted by horrible nightmares about the Goa'uld, to the point where the blonde barely pretended it wasn't a problem anymore. The terrible dreams always played out the same way: Jolinar impersonated Samantha Carter in various tasks around the base, as the blonde progressively disappeared inside him; consumed by fear, isolated from everyone she knew and loved. Trapped and overwhelmed with sheer panic.

"Like you're drowning in an undersea cavern and you can't remember which tunnel leads to air."

When she had finally confided her nightmares to Janet, the doctor had reassured her immediately, and she had started to work, outside her shifts, to find a solution. Invested entirely in that task, the redhead had used the base's resources with the General's blessing; she had explained her main goal was to explore the subconscious link between the host and the parasite in an attempt to learn more about Goa'uld physiology. Sam knew it wasn't entirely true: Janet always dedicated herself to helping her patients, but with any member of SG-1, she was more than devoted. And she wasn't a woman to whom you'd say no.

The blonde smiled at the thought of Janet's determination, of her strength. With the doctor, she always felt secure, safe. The two of them had grown closer as her father's disease had slowly disintegrated her strong soldier facade; as Sam had struggled with the fear of losing him, the redhead had remained by her side, offering her home and her affection, welcoming her in her life entirely.

To think of her father brought tears of joy to Sam's eyes. To keep up with the pace of her own thoughts, she opened her eyelids and stared at the horizon once more. She still could not believe the miracle that had happened. In a just few days, her agonizing dad had transformed back into the brave, heroic soldier she had always been so proud of. Although he wasn't by her side, the knowledge that he lived, healthy and well, seemed enough. Of course, explaining the drastic change of his medical condition to Mark would eventually prove to be quite complicated, but General Hammond had guaranteed he would give her a cover story, and she had left it in his capable hands.

When she thought of where her father was, of what he was doing now, everything in her mind started to crumble. Her visit to the Tok'ra had revealed so many secrets about Jolinar, and about how their minds were now connected; Sam had thought her brain would explode from the tension. During her stay on the planet, her senses were numbed, as if she wasn't exactly herself. It wasn't until they were in the Gate room, Martouf, her father and her, that Sam felt like she had just awakened from a strange illusion. As if she had just realized she was Captain Carter, and not Jolinar of Malk'shur.

She had not talked about all of this with anyone. Who could she turn to? With all her heart, she wanted to confide her deepest thoughts to Janet, but she knew she wouldn't be able to discuss Martouf –especially her feelings for him. The confusion that remained between what was Jolinar's and what was hers had transformed completely in the last few days. She had come to peace with many aspects of the blending, and yet, meeting Martouf had raised even more questions within her.

Before she had gone to the Tok'ra, she had become convinced something would happen between Janet and her. As they had grown closer, her initial attraction towards the doctor had amplified, and it seemed only a matter of time before she acted on her desires. Of course, what further complicated the matter was that she was also uncertain about how she felt towards her commanding officer. Col. O'Neill often annoyed her, and yet she felt drawn to him. He was a great, honorable man and she admired him. Often, she found herself wondering what it would be like, to be with him, to rest comfortably in his arms.

As if it wasn't enough, she now had profound and meaningful feelings for Martouf. Although she knew they were Jolinar's, those emotions of trust and love remained there, untouched. She could not ignore them, especially since she had felt such a strong connection with the Tok'ra. Even though any kind of romantic relationship with Martouf was out of the question, she could never forget that he was out there, somewhere, and that with him, she felt amazingly cared for, and above all, deeply loved.

And yet, somehow, it all started with Janet.

* * *

**Author's note:** I'm writing two small chapters really fast to apologize for my lack of updates, lately. Hope you enjoy them! Also, please note that good things come for those who wait 'til chapter 16!


	15. Disoriented

**Disoriented**

_Set during the events of "The Fifth Race". SG-1 discovers the Ancient Repository of Knowledge, which invades O'Neill's brain, rendering him unable to speak and may eventually kill him. In an attempt to gain more knowledge about the Ancients, Teal'c and Sam embark to another planet, but they are unable to dial back. They will die from the heat of two suns if they can't quickly gate back to Earth. With the knowledge downloaded in his brain, O'Neill succeeds in sending them plans to repair the DHD and saves the day. _

* * *

Blood.

A dark red stain on the hospital bed.

She knew the procedure, every detail. Understood every word the nurses exchanged with the doctor, even though they were nice enough to whisper, thinking she would not hear.

She heard everything.

There was so much blood. Too much blood. Everything was terribly wrong.

* * *

Janet's thoughts weighed on her shoulders ever since she had awakened. She did not remember the dream that haunted her, and yet, she felt its presence by her side. A deep nostalgia had followed her to work, and as she assisted SG-1 in helping Colonel O'Neill, she felt unable to worry about him or his fate. A dark cloud fogged her brain and her heart, leaving her completely disinterested in the day's challenges.

As she watched O'Neill build his sophisticated machine, she allowed herself to be captivated by the complexities of his engineering. However, as the hours had passed, she had become more and more powerless, as if all she could do was to wait and see how events would unfold. Staring at her notepad, her mind ventured old memories and remained stuck on the ones of that terrible day, fourteen years ago; the first time a hospital had not felt like home.

* * *

"Here, let me get that off"

Janet's busy hands pulled Sam's vest off her rapidly, but with precise caution. The doctor barely looked away from her patient as she put the clothes aside, the smell of sweat invading her nostrils while she applied a wet towel on the captain's reddened skin. Isolated between the curtains surrounding the infirmary bed, the redhead fought against the images her head kept bringing back, and tried to focus on treating the blonde soldier's heatstroke, although every word Janet said seemed to be coming from another doctor, one from her past.

"Are you disoriented?"

She asked the soldier without awaiting a reply, barely present as she examined her dilated pupils and prepared the injection.

"You're shaking…"

Janet grabbed the blonde's trembling hand, locking her eyes in Sam's and sending her a soft smile. A slight pressure on the doctor's palm rewarded the gesture and soothed the redhead. Sam laid back and closed her eyes to rest, reassured by Janet's voice.

"It's all right. You're going to be all right."

Somehow, the redhead knew she spoke to herself more than to the soldier. Those few words, the ones the doctor had offered her that day, she had repeated them so many times, to so many different persons. Wounds, viruses, fractures, burns… To every pain, she would answer with the identical sentences, and every time, her past would echo through the words, and remind her of what she had lost.

And after all her pain, all that had remained was that dark red stain on the hospital bed, ridiculously shaped like a heart.


	16. Unspoken

**Unspoken**

_Set after the events of "A Matter of Time". The SG-10 team opens a wormhole to Earth from a planet that'__s about to be swallowed by a black hole. The gravitational pull affects the SGC, disturbing the space-time continuum and ultimately threatening to destroy Earth__. In the end, Colonel O'Neill is able to execute Carter's plan to make the wormhole jump onto another Stargate, although not without sacrificing SG-10 and Colonel Cromwell, a fellow officer and friend of O'Neill's._

* * *

"The way I see it, I received a two weeks paycheck for a few hours of work. And that, my friends, is a day well spent."

Jack's reddened eyes spoke of hurt he would never put words on as he raised his beer, sending a fake smile to his coworkers to keep them from asking questions. He would never mention what had happened in the Gate room that day. Could he even call it a day? The whole thing just brought more pain as he remembered how it had all started: with a man he had personally trained, a friend even, frozen in place, motionless and yet in a running position, desperately trying to survive the black hole that would eventually swallow him, and his team, and almost Earth with it.

No paycheck could help you recover from that.

"Yeah, definitely. Cheers."

Daniel's voice raised everybody's eyes as he drank a sip of his beer.

"What?", the archeologist asked as the two women in front of him started laughing. "What did I do?"

"It's nothing Daniel", the redhead doctor politely answered before sending another look at her watch. Unhappy with what she saw, she quickly gestured toward the waitress, hoping to grab her attention. Unsuccessful, she turned her attention back to her coworkers, rubbing her fingers against her eyelids in a tired movement.

"It's just… you keep saying "yes" and "cheers" and agreeing to everything anyone says…", Sam explained, her voice, weighed down by alcohol and fatigue, fighting to rise against the ambient noises. "Ever since you came back."

"Yes, well, I've spent two weeks without my team and… I sort of missed you guys."

His three coworkers smiled at the confession, although they hardly heard it over the music and laughter that filled up the bar. What had crossed their minds when they had decided to go out for a drink on a Friday night? Of course, with recent events, they had completely lost track of time, and they had thought it would be fun to spend an evening together before their forced four days leave.

"Come on Daniel, I'm sure your dig was… thrilling. Rocks, sand, ancient ruins… all you could ever hope for", O'Neill said, half-serious.

"Yes, well, funny you should say that", Daniel replied, ready to start his usual monologue about his findings and their remarkable meaning for historians world-wide. "You see, we found a mark that, alone –"

"Excuse me Daniel", the redhead sharply interrupted with an apologetic smile. "Cassie has a dance recital early tomorrow morning, so… I have to go."

"You sure know when to quit, doc", O'Neill cheerfully said, his eyes slowly lifting up from his beer bottle to look at the doctor. Although he tried to hide it, he liked the woman a little more every day. There was something to be said about her dedication to her work, and her bedside manners weren't as bad as he usually complained.

"I have my moments", she replied, winking to the colonel before she stood up, grabbing her coat from the back of her chair. "Sam, I guess I'll see you there?"

"Of course, wouldn't miss it for the world", the blonde answered with a smile. "What time?"

"It starts at 8:30."

"Ouch! Ok, I have to leave", the captain spoke as she rapidly put on her leather vest. "Sorry Daniel."

"Well, good night ladies, I guess we'll see you around", O'Neill replied, raising his beer once more and taking a long sip as Sam rapidly finished her drink.

"Don't drive", Daniel shouted as the two women walked away, barely even hearing him over the yells coming from a table of drunken footballers nearby.

As they stepped outside the bar, the two women were greeted by showers of rain, pouring down straight on the parking lot, creating small ponds and overflowing the gutters.

"Great. Now it's going to take forever to get a cab", Sam mumbled as she zipped up her vest, her eyes staring at the sky as though she wondered how that much water could fall from there.

"My house is a twenty minutes walk from here", Janet said while opening her umbrella, smiling at the blonde soldier's grumpy attitude. "What do you think? Walk with me and sleep at my place?"

* * *

"All I'm saying is, there is a lot we don't know about him", the redhead objected, rapidly realizing she had used the wrong word. "I mean, about them."

The empty street seemed to be something out of a film noir; the showers of rain had stopped, and it had left a quiet silence in the air, as though nothing dared to move or make a sound, in fear of waking the storm's anger once more. The two women walked side by side, a wet umbrella dripping between them, its water drops rhythmically joining the soaked sidewalk.

"Him?", the blonde interrogated, raising her eyebrows suspiciously. "Martouf?"

"I meant, 'about them'", Janet repeated, cursing herself mentally for her slip and hoping the captain would not investigate it further. She had always been a terrible liar, and the alcohol in her blood stream did not help.

"Yes, but you said 'him'", Sam continued, her interrogative look turning into a smile as she noticed the redhead's embarrassed traits.

"Yes well, I'm not exactly sober. One is expected to mix up words at times like this. Especially since it's… two in the morning", the redhead protested, avoiding Sam's eyes by looking at the houses' addresses. Just a few minutes, and she would be home, and she would not have to answer any more questions about the Tok'ra or Martouf.

"It is. But you're changing the subject", the captain answered, noticing how Janet's pace had significantly increased throughout their conversation. Although she knew her friend wanted to avoid the discussion about their recent allies, Sam couldn't stop herself. Her excitation grew stronger with every move Janet made, and she felt even drunker than before when the redhead naively pretended she didn't know what they were talking about.

"What subject?"

"Why are you so distrustful of Martouf?" Sam asked as she grabbed Janet's hand, forcing her to turn around.

"No, I'm not, I just… I'm not sure I like the guy", the redhead answered, her heartbeat running wild as she realized the captain wasn't letting go of her hand. She hoped the soldier wasn't bothered by its coldness; the blonde's skin seemed to irradiate such a soft warmth, Janet refrained herself from trying to crawl under her vest.

"Hm-mm", Sam muttered, her eyes running up and down Janet's body, as if she was trying to size her up.

"What?", the doctor nervously questioned, hiding behind a shy smile.

"I think you're jealous, doctor Fraiser", the blonde replied, closing the distance between them.

"Why would I be jealous?", the redhead asked, her eyes locking onto Sam's, trying to decipher the sparks that lighted them up. She swallowed tensely, hoping her friend wouldn't notice how bad she wanted to kiss her. The proximity of their bodies allowed her to smell the blonde's perfume, mixed with a persistent odor of whisky, the captain's warm breath creating a small cloud of smoke in the cold air and running down Janet's neck.

"I don't know… why on Earth would you be?", the blonde replied, raising her free hand to cup Janet's cheek in her right palm.

"Stop teasing me, Captain, or I'll have to report you", the doctor whispered, her eyes now entirely focused on the blonde's lips.

"You wouldn't. Didn't you say you had a thing for blondes?", Sam playfully asked in a low-voice, her stomach tightening as she realized exactly where they were headed, and how much she wanted to get there.

"I do", Janet answered as she leaned in slowly, her hand tightening around the blonde's. "I really do."

The warmth of her breath caressed Sam's lips for a second before the redhead kissed her, the soft motions of her lips sparking up something in the blonde's stomach. The captain immediately kissed back as her fingers gently caressed Janet's cheek. A soft moan escaped from Sam's mouth, surprising her as she backed away from the embrace. Embarrassed, she sent a quick smile towards the redhead before she started walking again, her left hand still holding Janet's.

"Is that considered teasing?", the blonde asked, half-serious. Although her tone was playful, Janet detected a worry that hanged behind the words.

"It is", the doctor replied, pulling on Sam's hand to stop her from walking away.

"Do you mind?", Sam nervously questioned, biting her lip as she turned around to face Janet.

"Not so much, no", the redhead answered as she pulled her closer and leaned in for another kiss.

She kissed her more passionately this time, her hand letting go of Sam's to encircle her waist, pulling her body against hers. The passion turned into a softer motion as the kiss ended, both women resting against each other.

"Do you still want to come home with me?"

"Hm-mm."


	17. Indisputable

**Indisputable**

_Set after the events of "Holiday". SG-1 discovers the laboratory of a strange man called Ma'chello. After touching a device, Daniel and the scientist exchange bodies, allowing the old man to spend one last day of freedom before his death._

* * *

It was a fear that they all shared, but never spoke of.

An anguish that came with the certain knowledge that they were going to die like this, and that this war would be their last. There was no escape out of it, no denying that possibility; especially on this day, where death had once again crawled its way into the SGC.

Surrounded by the commissary's usual noises, the four members of SG-1 and Doctor Fraiser drank their coffees and teas in silence, exchanging compassionate glances every once in a while. Somehow, after Ma'chello passed away, they had found themselves unable to return to their duties or to their homes, strangely paralyzed. They hadn't known him for a long time, and yet, it felt as if a part of them had died, earlier that day. In the old inventor's scars, they had recognized themselves, and when the light had left his eyes, they had seen their irrevocable futures.

As they sat together in silence, unable to get rid of this awful feeling, they searched for the right words, the right gestures. It took several minutes for Daniel to find the courage to ask the question that he had been pondering ever since the old man had thanked them, _for his holiday_.

"If you knew that this was your last day, what would you do?"

Although Daniel's question seemed to echo everybody's thoughts, they remained silent for another few minutes, each staring at their own cup as though it was their last tether to this realm of reality. Each drowned in their own little paradise, their own little hell; one last day.

"I would continue my fight against the Goa'uld, and die free", Teal'c spoke before he nodded solemnly. In anybody else's mouth, the answer would've seemed cocky, pompous. But the Jaffa had spent his entire life with the knowledge of his imminent death pending over his head, and his friends understood the meaning of his words. Teal'c would never admit it willingly, but it was one of his biggest fears: to lose his life to a sickness, or worse, from old age.

His answer left the others in silence, all staring down at their cups.

"I'd get drunk. Maybe go fishing", Jack joked, uneasily trying to defuse the tension that remained at the table. It was an impulse, really, more than a conscious effort to make his friends smile; when things didn't feel right, he simply had to say something stupid. To try and make it go away.

O'Neill's answer made everybody smile as Daniel insisted once again.

"Seriously guys… what would you do?"

Receiving no answers from the two women, he waited a few seconds before he offered his own. "I think I'd like to come clean, you know? Call everybody I love, tell them how I feel."

Janet lifted her gaze from her cup, her eyes immediately meeting with Sam's. For a few seconds, they stared at each other, the wetness in their eyes mirroring the deep connection they felt. As the blonde looked away, they both felt their cheeks getting slightly flushed. They were overcome by a deep relief when Daniel and Jack started arguing about deathbed confessions and the cliché of it all; no one had noticed how they had stared at each other. As if nothing else mattered.

* * *

Sam stared at the perpetual blinking of the curser on her computer screen, the weight of her fatigue pulling her downwards, as if, any second now, she could fall asleep on her keyboard. When the heavy metal door of her lab opened, sliding loudly on its rail, she did not react; she figured it would be yet another officer doing his rounds. Half an hour ago, the last one had walked in and she had barely spoken to him, although she usually tried to acknowledge every single one of her coworkers. Tonight, she hadn't lifted her head from her computer, entirely focused on her task, despite her desperate need for a good sleep.

"Hey. I thought I'd find you here…"

Janet's voice sounded to Sam like cold water on a very hot day. The blonde kept her eyes on her screen, although her attention quickly shifted to the doctor and remained focused on her slightest movements. She fought against the smile that tried to curve her lips as she continued the conversation.

"I still have some work to do, before the NID takes over", Sam explained, knowing her friend was probably preparing for yet another monologue about the necessity of resting properly. She smiled as Janet closed the door behind her and rapidly walked the distance to the blonde's desk; perhaps this evening, the redhead would not try to convince her to leave the base at once.

As she reached Sam's side, Janet rested both of her hands on the soldier's shoulders. The warmth of her palms was rapidly accompanied by a slight circular pressure, the gentle massage ongoing in silence as the redhead stared at the computer screen.

Ever since they had kissed, those signs of affection had multiplied; both women often went out of their way to see each other around the base, often standing closer than necessary, exchanging warm glances and tender gestures. They had not kissed again, and hadn't discussed it either; when they had arrived at Janet's home that night, they had both been so exhausted that they had fallen asleep almost immediately. The morning had passed by so fast, with Cassie's usual excitement and need for attention that they had simply no time for a discussion. After that, somehow, it just didn't feel right to speak of it again.

"Is this Ma'chello's inventory?", Janet absently asked.

"Hmm-mm", Sam replied as she turned around to face her friend. There was something in the way the doctor had spoken Ma'chello's name, a strange familiarity that indicated that she still was deeply troubled by the day's events. "Are you okay?"

The short silence that filled the room answered the question as Janet pondered her words.

"It's always hard to lose a patient", the doctor spoke, her hands still resting on Sam's shoulders. Uncomfortable, she shifted her way to rest her thigh against the soldier's chair and raised one hand to run the blonde curls between two fingers. Distracted, she continued her explanation, barely aware that her other palm was now cupping Sam's neck with a slight pull. "Especially one of our own."

Responding to an unknown impulse, Sam stood up, her body pushing itself against the doctor's. Her left hand rapidly nested on Janet's lower back, preventing her from stepping back. The redhead relaxed in the embrace as Sam's warm breath tickled her skin.

"You did everything you could."

Janet left her arms fall onto the blonde waist, encircling her as she rested her head against Sam's shoulder and exhaled deeply.

"I try", Janet replied in a soft whisper. She closed her eyes when she felt cold fingers running through her hair, feeling ridiculously better now that she was entirely surrounded by Sam's scent.

"Janet?"

The redhead instinctively pulled her head up, opening her eyes to meet with the blonde's blue orbs. She stopped breathing entirely as Sam's hand cupped her cheek, pulling her closer. Their lips met slowly, tenderly as they both relaxed, savoring the moment. They shared a few chaste kisses before Sam's hand retreated to run its fingers once again through Janet's hair.

"Maybe we shouldn't…" Sam whispered, after sending one glare to the door. She didn't have time to complete her thought before Janet brushed a finger against her collarbone.

"Just this once…", the redhead suggested with a low voice as their lips joined again in a smooth motion.

As a loud thud at the door surprised them both, Sam stepped back quickly, her hands guiltily rushing to straighten her clothes. A few seconds passed before she realized nobody was coming in her lab, and as her eyes met Janet's, the two women shared a short, embarrassed laughter.

"I really should go", Janet spoke with a shy smile before she turned around nervously, feeling a sudden urge to reach the door as soon as possible. Before she opened it, Sam's hand grabbed her arm, insistent fingers begging for her to wait. As the redhead surrendered, her lips met again with the blonde's, a chaste gesture before the soldier stepped back, an adorable smirk covering her face.

"'Night, Janet."

The doctor winked as she opened the metal door, both women barely noticing the loud noises that accompanied its movements. Outside the room, the base still buzzed with its usual occupations, but it seemed distant and far as Janet's whisper reached Sam's ears.

"'Night, Sam."


	18. Serpentine

**Serpentine**

_Set after the events of "Serpent's Song". Apophis is captured by SG-1 and brought back to Earth. In the SGC's infirmary, they realize that he is agonizing, and has allowed himself to be captured to escape the grasp of a more powerful Goa'uld: Sokar. As this new enemy attacks the base, the SG team interrogates their prisoner, hoping to learn more about Sokar before they finally surrender Apophis' body to him._

* * *

"I sense a presence within you"

The words sent shivers down her spine.

Even now, in her kitchen bathed in sunlight, it frightened her, the thought running in the back of her head against her will. A few meters away, the sweet smell of strawberries welcomed morning like a promise to a better future. In Sam's arms, a curled up child laughed and the chill on Janet's back transformed into ice.

"I sense a presence within you"

She filled two cups of coffee and a glass of orange juice, her hands mechanically obeying to the routine even though her brain refused to invest itself in the moment. There she was, once again uncertain and scared, as she had been in the infirmary only two days before, when Apophis crossed her path and shattered her existence with doubts. Although she convinced herself that she knew better, it seemed the worry would simply never leave her side.

There was no more foreign presence in Sam's body; only Jolinar's memory remained. Janet had run herself every possible scan she could have after the parasite's death; there were no possibilities of self-doubt. Biologically and intellectually, she could certify that the woman sitting down at her table right now was, of course, Captain Samantha Carter. Brilliant astrophysicist. Extraordinary friend. Amazing kisser.

Still, the sentence echoed one of her darkest fears, one she would never speak out loud. It was shameful, really, just to think about it.

"You have been possessed by a Goa'uld"

For a few seconds that day, the infirmary didn't belong to the human race anymore. It was overrun with fear and threats, as if the man agonizing on the hospital bed had just cursed them all. For a mere instant, Apophis stood tall in the room, victorious even, once again powerful despite his weakened state. And all because of her.

Really, she did not want to think about it.

Instead, she kissed both blonde and brunette heads softly as she brought the drinks to the table, smiling as she welcomed their thanks, hoping they did not notice her trouble.

That day, she had participated in the ongoing debates and fought against O'Neill's black-and-white analysis of the situation. She had weighed both sides of the conflict in her head, and pondered on the right course of actions. Wondered how history would judge their decisions. Questioned her own beliefs about life and death, and what it meant to fight to save a life. What it meant to let one go. Of course, like everybody else on the base during those hours, she couldn't stop worrying about the fate of the human race, and this new enemy that had suddenly appeared, without warning.

But all in all, it was only a smoke screen. A trick of the mind. Piling up ideas and preoccupations to keep herself from thinking about her shameful fear. The one she would never dare to put words on.

"I sense a presence within you"

She could never. How could she? Goa'ulds were parasites. Biological creatures that attached themselves to the human cortex. One could not possibly sense it, unless, like Cassie, they had Naquadah' particles in their blood. Janet certainly didn't, so how could she possibly know if Sam wasn't Sam anymore?

Of course there was no reason to worry. No reason at all. Really, she did not want to think about it.

And so the morning routine went on, and the ice that had wrapped itself around her spine warmed up slowly, until all that remained was a slight breeze, as if an invisible hand ran across her back, a continuous up and down motion that made her sick.

It wasn't until the sun went down, and Sam went home, that Janet finally allowed herself to rest. As her eyes closed, she stopped fighting the tidal wave of her thoughts and despite what she had felt all day, the word came straight away, as small as a marble rolling in a perfect circle in her mind. She waited a few minutes before she finally grabbed it, admiring its simple forms against the complexity of the web she had stuck herself in.

Trust.

The question was not whether she could trust Samantha Carter or not – she knew she already did. No, her truest fear was as common as a cold. Could she ever trust herself to know when something wouldn't be right?

Twice, she had made the mistake. Twice, she had thought Sam was Sam and both times, she truly wasn't. If it happened again, would Janet simply _know_? And would she be able to do what had to be done?

The weight of those questions could only be lifted by the marble-like word. Trust. Simple and naive as a child's book's ending. As phony and ridiculous as it sounded.

Janet had to trust that she would.


End file.
